You will find true love this month
in the form of a young child who plays on your road. You will coax
him into your house with the promise of sweets and ice-cream. Before
you can physically express your dangerous love for him, the crack
paedo squad will get you. The God of the sea Neptune is in your
porch waiting for you to come out. Watch it.
Single? I thought so. You should spend
less time looking for love and causing panics. You will find that
your desperate loneliness will soon subside. A member of the BNCREW
will assault you in disturbing and potentially scarring fashion
this month. Whatever you do, don't fight back. The planet Saturn
is eating your lunch at an alarming rate.
The planet Uranus is in direct confrontation
with your anus. Avoid any spicy foods and social situations this
month. Combining the two could prove embarrassing. Remember that
you will never be as good looking or as intelligent as anyone in
the BN Crew and find a suitable release for your frustrations. A
surly man will attack you in the street. The planet Pluto is confused
about his sexuality.
have cancer. You haven't got much time left. Why are you wasting it
with the BNCREW?
road to Hell is paved with good intentions. However there is a backdoor
into Heaven that only peado priests really know about. To gain entry
you must start fights with people smaller than you and break things
that people spend a lot of time creating. A member of the BNCREW will
need a favour from you this month and you will oblige him. The God
Zeus is finding it hard to recover from a car accident
is time to focus on what is important to you. Not work or your love
life or even your small penis. You must collect money for the BNCREW
to build a collection of highly fortified structures in their own
images to ensure their survival in the case of a nuclear accident.
You should avoid things which sting this month. Make a birdhouse without
a way in and burn down a council house. The planet Neptune is causing
a controversy on a street corner.
The planet Earth finds itself squarely
in your urinary tract this month. Allow the soothing properties of
BN help you through your hardships. Failing this, buy a 1987 blue
Ford Transit and drive it through a shopping centre. The time has
come for hard decisions to be made. A chance encounter with Hollywood
Hulk Hogan will leave you somewhat dismayed. The planet Venus is dogging
your girlfriend out
Keep your Lotto ticket safe this month
because you are in line for a windfall. Even if your numbers do not
come up, demand remuneration from the national lottery to compensate
you for the fact that they spend your hard earned on cappers. A crazy
caper will result in a chance meeting with the Bean. The Mercury-Moon
connection is solving an age old puzzle minutes from where you live.
Instead of keeping your sick ideas to
yourself this month, share them with the world via the BNCREW message
board. Alternatively share them with people in the street via a series
of obscene street corner lectures. A bearded man will take from you
what you do not have. The planet Mars is in your local shop demanding
A chance encounter with another Capricorn
could turn out profitable as you pound their dead carcass until their
wallet becomes available. Remember that every action has a definite
reaction so keep your pants on during the coming month unless absolutely
necessary. The love God Cupid is at the Leisureplex playing Time crisis
Go with the flow this month but try
to avoid wetting the bed. You will develop a brand new Kung-Fu grip
in your right arm but still your features will appear figurine-like.
You may receive an unwanted BMX extreme action man covered with New
Zealand sperm in the post but don't lose your temper. The planet Jupiter
is in bed after a long night of heavy drinking.
Your potential ability in most things
is sadly over estimated this month. You will unfortunately lose your
ability to walk costing you a place in the Olympic games. Do not accept
an offer from a BN member this month or you will live to regret it.
The planet Mercury is ahead of you in a queue but what is that queue