Breaking News: Hamhead seizes control of BN Crew in dramatic coup.      -      Ceb seeks refuge in linen room.      -      Gapford location unknown.      -     Gapford sabotages Edgewilds X-Mas delivery.      -     Sources have confirmed: BN Crew website is ridiculous      -     Gapford kills everybody      -     Edgewild purchases ivory back scratcher      -     Hamhead purchases Edgewild      -     Edgewild enters voluntary liquidation, Hamhead rejoices      -     Hamhead files for bankruptcy     -     Kid Bisto to buy out Hamhead      -     Gapford to buy out Kid Bisto      -     Edgewild, Hamhead and Kid Bisto in suicide plot.      -     Cutter, Happy      -     Jevo expresses hope      -     Gapford expected to dash hope and happiness.      -     All the lads have kids      -     Gapford unveils plans to remove kids from lads.      -     Gibbo mistaken for walking dead.      -     Lofty arrested in sunroof shitting scandal.      -     Ceb arrested for not paying for anything for years.      -     Putin: Gapford is drunk on power.      -     Gapford: Putin is drunk.      -     Ceb: I'm drunk.      -     Gapford declares black Friday racist, creates white Wednesday.      -     Black people remove Wednesday from calendar.      -     Mallets confides in Cutter, "I was raped by a ghost".      -     Cutter to Ceb, "We need to find some new mates".      -     Gapford declares Tuesday 'Kill all of your friends day'.      -     Kid Bisto - Dead.      -     Gapford accused of manipulating media.      -     Gapford is amazing.      -     Edgewild & Sam happy.      -     Gapford angry.      -      Edgewild to collect post for Ceb.      -     Ceb wastes a lot of time on this news ticker/website.      -      President John F. Kennedy dies from wounds sustained in Dallas attack.      -      Thatcher to close Welsh mines.      -      Gapford continues hate campaign against Welsh and Austrailians by renting out table.      -      Kev joins a union, gets nowhere.      -      Cutter exposed as union spy, gets nowhere.      -      Gapford attacks child.      -      Child dead.      -      Ceb desecrates childs grave.      -      Mould removed from fridge.      -      Bean says something.      -      Bean's phone engaged.      -      We are an absolute joke declares Ceb after debut of three new tracks receiving zero likes on Facebook.      -      Danz receives life sentence, seems happy.      -     Lofty believed to be alive say police in Paris, presumed dead too somehow.      -     Body of BN legend JOR found in lake district, presumed wet.      -     BN Crew legend Senior goes on rampage, death toll stands at 65.      -     Jackstack contracts mystery illness, spends last hours 'heading home.'           Breaking News:  Andy Whyment releases single, then takes it back.      -     Bruiser arrested for assault, later claims it was some foreign guy.      -     Mallets changes name to Lord Mallets, Gapford, Cutter refuse to accept.      -     Hamhead once again named Big Booty Daddy.      -     The Meanalogue starts world tour, fatalities expected.           Breaking News:  Disco Lights risks wrath of the Backlash by releasing range of feminine hygiene products.      -     Bean found dead, later claims he was 'just trying to get home'.      -     Gapplication denies existence of Backlash, claims 'It is fine, everything is fine.'      -     Toolbox returns to the fold, later found out to be hallucination.      -     Well James crippled in mystery attack.           Breaking News:  Cutter takes part in mystery attack, describes it as 'rapid buzz'.      -     That guy is sound.      -     Paul E. Believably believed to be in Hungary to avoid backlash.      -     BN Kingpin Ceb still awaiting backlash, believed to be 'expecting fucking Hell.'      -     The Ennistigator claims backlash could spell the end for BNCrew, is later found dead.           Breaking News:  The Bean wins Emmy for 'Captain Cruinneas' eukener'.      -     Lorcan rushed to hospital with suspected broken pelvis, changes name to Elvis the pelvis.      -     Lofty avoiding backlash in the Legal Eagle compound.      -     Q-Ball claims backlash is related to BN Crew's violent agenda, later beats self to pulp.      -     Russell involved in multiple car pile up in own bedroom.           Breaking News:  Unihead has 41st heart attack, barely notices.      -     Peter Sheridan files for divorce, court rejects on grounds of him not being married.      -     Ex BN manager Guy Nougat offers to help his former band during this time of emergency, receives beat down from Kid Beef instead.      -     Bred suspends annual trip to Australia, goes into hiding.           Breaking News:  The Cutter claims he doesn't care about the Backlash, just wants to lift things up and put them back down.      -     Gibney Ray's mate Table still at large, in his fucking head.      -     Dylhead checks into rehab, checks out book at library.      -     Gaidan seeks advice from Muttonhead about backlash, later beats him to death.      -     Gayommie calls meeting of entire Team Sexy to discuss backlash strategy.           Breaking News:  Groover calls Gayommie gay.      -     Iano invites wrath of backlash by claiming he has risen from dead weekly since 1996.      -     The Mongrel holed up in flaming shack.      -     The Colonel Sack prepares for Backlash by growing moustache.      -     Muttonhead spotted on fire at bus stop in Leatherhead.           Breaking News:  Tim believed to have fled country after initial signs of backlash, believed to be heavily armed.      -     Moosejaw claims to be 'made of pain.'      -     The Moonthor gives kidney back, claims one is more than enough.      -     Kate offers kidney on EBay, no reserve.      -     Rogan Josh says next book will be about the Backlash, if he survives it.           Breaking News:  The Bean pleads with nation to 'keep it real'.      -     Hoffman McQueen pays tribute to Findus Kid in bizarre facebook message.      -     Suntan O'Connor hospitalised after by election win.           Breaking News:  Doctor EdgeWild fading fast, priest summoned to hospital bed.      -     Limewad said to be fearing backlash, behaviour said to be disturbingly erratic.      -     Daly has wank.      -     Beardo returns from Middle East peace talks, claims he'll 'sort it out later.'

Starsigns With Mystic Edgewild (Only valid for a few minutes in 2001)

     You will find true love this month in the form of a young child who plays on your road. You will coax him into your house with the promise of sweets and ice-cream. Before you can physically express your dangerous love for him, the crack paedo squad will get you. The God of the sea Neptune is in your porch waiting for you to come out. Watch it.

     Single? I thought so. You should spend less time looking for love and causing panics. You will find that your desperate loneliness will soon subside. A member of the BNCREW will assault you in disturbing and potentially scarring fashion this month. Whatever you do, don't fight back. The planet Saturn is eating your lunch at an alarming rate.

     The planet Uranus is in direct confrontation with your anus. Avoid any spicy foods and social situations this month. Combining the two could prove embarrassing. Remember that you will never be as good looking or as intelligent as anyone in the BN Crew and find a suitable release for your frustrations. A surly man will attack you in the street. The planet Pluto is confused about his sexuality.

     You have cancer. You haven't got much time left. Why are you wasting it with the BNCREW?

     The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. However there is a backdoor into Heaven that only peado priests really know about. To gain entry you must start fights with people smaller than you and break things that people spend a lot of time creating. A member of the BNCREW will need a favour from you this month and you will oblige him. The God Zeus is finding it hard to recover from a car accident

.     It is time to focus on what is important to you. Not work or your love life or even your small penis. You must collect money for the BNCREW to build a collection of highly fortified structures in their own images to ensure their survival in the case of a nuclear accident. You should avoid things which sting this month. Make a birdhouse without a way in and burn down a council house. The planet Neptune is causing a controversy on a street corner.

     The planet Earth finds itself squarely in your urinary tract this month. Allow the soothing properties of BN help you through your hardships. Failing this, buy a 1987 blue Ford Transit and drive it through a shopping centre. The time has come for hard decisions to be made. A chance encounter with Hollywood Hulk Hogan will leave you somewhat dismayed. The planet Venus is dogging your girlfriend out

     Keep your Lotto ticket safe this month because you are in line for a windfall. Even if your numbers do not come up, demand remuneration from the national lottery to compensate you for the fact that they spend your hard earned on cappers. A crazy caper will result in a chance meeting with the Bean. The Mercury-Moon connection is solving an age old puzzle minutes from where you live.

     Instead of keeping your sick ideas to yourself this month, share them with the world via the BNCREW message board. Alternatively share them with people in the street via a series of obscene street corner lectures. A bearded man will take from you what you do not have. The planet Mars is in your local shop demanding a refund.

     A chance encounter with another Capricorn could turn out profitable as you pound their dead carcass until their wallet becomes available. Remember that every action has a definite reaction so keep your pants on during the coming month unless absolutely necessary. The love God Cupid is at the Leisureplex playing Time crisis 2.

     Go with the flow this month but try to avoid wetting the bed. You will develop a brand new Kung-Fu grip in your right arm but still your features will appear figurine-like. You may receive an unwanted BMX extreme action man covered with New Zealand sperm in the post but don't lose your temper. The planet Jupiter is in bed after a long night of heavy drinking.

     Your potential ability in most things is sadly over estimated this month. You will unfortunately lose your ability to walk costing you a place in the Olympic games. Do not accept an offer from a BN member this month or you will live to regret it. The planet Mercury is ahead of you in a queue but what is that queue for?