Breaking News: Hamhead seizes control of BN Crew in dramatic coup.      -      Ceb seeks refuge in linen room.      -      Gapford location unknown.      -     Gapford sabotages Edgewilds X-Mas delivery.      -     Sources have confirmed: BN Crew website is ridiculous      -     Gapford kills everybody      -     Edgewild purchases ivory back scratcher      -     Hamhead purchases Edgewild      -     Edgewild enters voluntary liquidation, Hamhead rejoices      -     Hamhead files for bankrupcy      -     Kid Bisto to buy out Hamhead      -     Gapford to buy out Kid Bisto      -     Edgewild, Hamhead and Kid Bisto in suicide plot.      -     Cutter, Happy      -     Jevo expresses hope      -     Gapford expected to dash hope and happiness.      -     All the lads have kids      -     Gapford unveils plans to remove kids from lads.      -     Gibbo mistaken for walking dead.      -     Lofty arrested in sunroof shitting scandal.      -     Ceb arrested for not paying for anything for years.      -     Putin: Gapford is drunk on power.      -     Gapford: Putin is drunk.      -     Ceb: I'm drunk.      -     Gapford declares black Friday racist, creates white Wednesday.      -     Black people remove Wednesday from calendar.      -     Mallets confides in Cutter, "I was raped by a ghost".      -     Cutter to Ceb, "We need to find some new mates".      -     Gapford declares Tuesday 'Kill all of your friends day'.      -     Kid Bisto - Dead.      -     Gapford accused of manipulating media.      -     Gapford is amazing.      -     Edgewild & Sam happy.      -     Gapford angry.      -      Edgewild to collect post for Ceb.      -     Ceb wastes a lot of time on this news ticker/website.      -      President John F. Kennedy dies from wounds sustained in Dallas attack.      -      Thatcher to close Welsh mines.      -      Gapford continues hate campaign against Welsh and Austrailians by renting out table.      -      Kev joins a union, gets nowhere.      -      Cutter exposed as union spy, gets nowhere.      -      Gapford attacks child.      -      Child dead.      -      Ceb desecrates childs grave.      -      Mould removed from fridge.      -      Bean says something.      -      Bean's phone engaged.      -      We are an absolute joke declares Ceb after debut of three new tracks receiving zero likes on Facebook.      -      Danz receives life sentence, seems happy.      -     Lofty believed to be alive say police in Paris, presumed dead too somehow.      -     Body of BN legend JOR found in lake district, presumed wet.      -     BN Crew legend Senior goes on rampage, death toll stands at 65.      -     Jackstack contracts mystery illness, spends last hours 'heading home.'           Breaking News:  Andy Whyment releases single, then takes it back.      -     Bruiser arrested for assault, later claims it was some foreign guy.      -     Mallets changes name to Lord Mallets, Gapford, Cutter refuse to accept.      -     Hamhead once again named Big Booty Daddy.      -     The Meanalogue starts world tour, fatalities expected.           Breaking News:  Disco Lights risks wrath of the Backlash by releasing range of feminine hygiene products.      -     Bean found dead, later claims he was 'just trying to get home'.      -     Gapplication denies existence of Backlash, claims 'It is fine, everything is fine.'      -     Toolbox returns to the fold, later found out to be hallucination.      -     Well James crippled in mystery attack.           Breaking News:  Cutter takes part in mystery attack, describes it as 'rapid buzz'.      -     That guy is sound.      -     Paul E. Believably believed to be in Hungary to avoid backlash.      -     BN Kingpin Ceb still awaiting backlash, believed to be 'expecting fucking Hell.'      -     The Ennistigator claims backlash could spell the end for BNCrew, is later found dead.           Breaking News:  The Bean wins Emmy for 'Captain Cruinneas' eukener'.      -     Lorcan rushed to hospital with suspected broken pelvis, changes name to Elvis the pelvis.      -     Lofty avoiding backlash in the Legal Eagle compound.      -     Q-Ball claims backlash is related to BN Crew's violent agenda, later beats self to pulp.      -     Russell involved in multiple car pile up in own bedroom.           Breaking News:  Unihead has 41st heart attack, barely notices.      -     Peter Sheridan files for divorce, court rejects on grounds of him not being married.      -     Ex BN manager Guy Nougat offers to help his former band during this time of emergency, receives beat down from Kid Beef instead.      -     Bred suspends annual trip to Australia, goes into hiding.           Breaking News:  The Cutter claims he doesn't care about the Backlash, just wants to lift things up and put them back down.      -     Gibney Ray's mate Table still at large, in his fucking head.      -     Dylhead checks into rehab, checks out book at library.      -     Gaidan seeks advice from Muttonhead about backlash, later beats him to death.      -     Gayommie calls meeting of entire Team Sexy to discuss backlash strategy.           Breaking News:  Groover calls Gayommie gay.      -     Iano invites wrath of backlash by claiming he has risen from dead weekly since 1996.      -     The Mongrel holed up in flaming shack.      -     The Colonel Sack prepares for Backlash by growing moustache.      -     Muttonhead spotted on fire at bus stop in Leatherhead.           Breaking News:  Tim believed to have fled country after initial signs of backlash, believed to be heavily armed.      -     Moosejaw claims to be 'made of pain.'      -     The Moonthor gives kidney back, claims one is more than enough.      -     Kate offers kidney on EBay, no reserve.      -     Rogan Josh says next book will be about the Backlash, if he survives it.           Breaking News:  The Bean pleads with nation to 'keep it real'.      -     Hoffman McQueen pays tribute to Findus Kid in bizarre facebook message.      -     Suntan O'Connor hospitalised after by election win.           Breaking News:  Doctor EdgeWild fading fast, priest summoned to hospital bed.      -     Limewad said to be fearing backlash, behaviour said to be disturbingly erratic.      -     Daly has wank.      -     Beardo returns from Middle East peace talks, claims he'll 'sort it out later.'

Dr. Edgewild's surgery - The Doctor is in.

Dear Doctor EdgeWild,
     I am a 26 year old male who has been a long time sufferer from premature ejaculation. Most recently, I was set up on a blind date and as I was preparing my emergency Rohypnol pocket cloth, I shot off all over the TV. What should I do? Is there some sort of surgery I could get, maybe a nozzle or valve insertion of some kind?
Yours spunkfully,
Spunkfish, Dublin.

     This is a classic case of sexually manifested mental trauma. Track down everyone who has ever wronged you and murder them. You will soon see an improvement and maybe even be able to last three or four minutes.

Dear Doctor EdgeWild,
     I am a female BN fan and at a recent gig I was invited backstage to the after show party. I became sexually involved with several of the crew members and now find myself manically sratching myself at the most inoppurtune moments. I have been afraid to look 'down below' ever since but I firmly believe that I may have contracted the dreaded BNVD. Please help.
Yours violatedly,
Ashley, San Diego.

     This is a common complaint. First of all, backstage at a BN gig is a dangerous place to find oneself. From your letter I gather that you are a complete slut and probably got everything you deserved. As for BNVD, there is no known cure as of yet. I suggest that you try to spread it to as many people as you can so as to speed up the spread of the disease. Should you spread it around enough it will eventually reach epidemic proportions. Then at least you will be looked upon as a tragic victim as opposed to a total whore.

     Dear Doctor EdgeWild,
What is a spleen and what does it do?
Yours confusedly,
Eoin, Sydney.

     Fuck off.

     Dear Doctor EdgeWild,
I have been HIV positive for seven years now and many of my friends have abandoned me. I think it is because they are afraid of contracting the Billy Ray Cyrus. How can it be passed from one person to another? Is is safe to kiss someone? What about sharing needles as thats one of my favourite past times? I am so confused. I know if anyone can help, you can.
Yours aidsfully,
Bjorn, Helsinki.

     The only way to spread any disease is by bumsex. This is God's way of punishing you according to his controversial "in one way, out the other" programme. Your friends were right to abandon you.

     Dear Doctor EdgeWild,
I am a 15 year old BN fan and try to live exactly like my favourite member, Disco Lights. I read on BNCREW.COM that he successfully broke Evil Kneevel's distance record by jumping over seventeen people on an untrained wild bear. I naturally tried to emulate this feat but the bear attacked and savagely beat me. I have claw marks all over my body and lapse in and out of consciousness for hours at a time. What should I do? If I tell my Mom, she will know I am in love with Disco Lights. Pleas help.
Yours youthfully,
Simon, North Dakota.

     Well well well Simon, you seem to have fucked yourself over a little bit, haven't you? The first thing to do is to cover up the claw marks. A good tin of paint and a roller (available from most hardware stores) should do the job. Just make sure that if you are black, get black paint and white paint if you are a whitey (It never ceases to amaze me how many people make that mistake so be warned). As for the concussion, the only way to cure it is to defeat the bear in hand to hand combat. This will give you the strength of the bear and his ancestors and you will soon find yourself impervious to water. Then your only problem is your mother - check the MeetBeat page for convienient ways to hide a dead body.

      Dear Doctor EdgeWild,
My name is Philip and I am 34 years old. I recently broke up with my long term girlfriend as she finally hit peuberty. I now find myself depressed all the time and I cant even imagine showing my face at the pre school where we used to hang out. I always knew she would grow up someday but it all happened so quickly. My problem now is that even the sight of a young girl makes me plunge into fits of projectile vomiting and mouthly frothing. Is this a medical thing or should I just top myself?
Yours mournfully,
Philip, Antwerp.

     This is a recognised ailment known as "Hanton's Syndrome". It is often the case that when you break up with a long term girlfriend, you find yourself projectile vomiting. I suggest that you get heavily into drugs. They are great because they make you forget your problems. At a social level, the life of a junkie will suit you particularly well, Philip. Projectile vomiting is par for the course in any number of junked up squat houses. Consult the BN Binmen for further information on druggie squats

     Dear Doctor EdgeWild,
I have tried to lose weight every day of my life. I have spent thousands on weight loss videos and weight loss crisps but can't seem to lose those extra pounds. I soon found myself unable to leave the house through my regular sized doors. I sued the door company and the rainforest for producing the wood. My huge cash settlement came in handy but I then realised that my money didn't make me happy. Is there something wrong with me?
Yours hungrily,
Alice, Palm Springs.

     You probably have Aids.

     Dear Doctor EdgeWild,
     I recently discovered whilst on a sun holiday that my kids are really annoying. Do you think they would accept them back at the hospital for one of those post natal abortions? If not, can you suggest a suitable way to dispose of them. One is five, the other is seven.
Yours murderfully,
Billfred, Minsk.

     This is a common complaint so you are not alone. Your punkass kids probably annoy everyone in you neighbourhood. I would suggest a child hunt or C.H. Place your neighbours into groups depending on physical prowess ie a capper with a regular guy or vice versa. Equip each group with semi automatic or fully automatic weaponry and allow them to hunt for your children within the confines of your area. This often serves to bring a community together. Also, a raffle can bring very similar results for very little administrative effort.

     Dear Doctor EdgeWild,
I recently lost my virginity but I now find myself unable to get an erection. I think I may be all sexed out or something. It was two weeks ago and I haven't been bonerfied since. The prblem was, my partner wasn't actually a woman but a female wall. It was quite an unforgiving surface and there wasn't a hole so I just sort of forcefully slapped my unit all over the wall itself. What can I do to fix my problem? Perhaps some kind of ointment?
Yours limpfully,
Nigel, Vienna.

     You disgust even me.

     Dear Doctor EdgeWild,
I am a 14 year old girl and I have begun to have all these new feelings that I am a little confused about. I have developed very large breasts and find myself becoming sexually aroused in bed at night. I know this happens to most girls but it's all a little too much for me to handle right now. Is there anything you can do to ease my mind?
Yours peuberfully,
Jenna, Colorada.

     Oh my, this is a very serious issue indeed. Seriously Jenna, you must come to see me right away. DO NOT under any circumstances tell your parents about this. Come to see me at BNCREWHQ immediately and wear your school uniform. Possibly even your uniform from a couple of years back. Just so I can see how much you have grown. This is essential if we are to find the root of your problem and take further action to erectify it.

Dear Doctor EdgeWild,
My name is Eddie and I have a rather pressing problem. I recently returned from a 'business' trip to Thailand and as you could imagine, my genitalia are itching like crazy. I haven't looked down there yet and it has been three and a half months now. I am afraid to look for fear of an infection or crab colony of some kind - at this stage I believe they may have built some sort of small city. Should I pour an acid or other corrosive liquid down there or is there an easier way?
Yours fearfully,
The Burning, Texas.

     This is a common complaint among overweight businessmen, presumably like yourself who get their kicks from watching ladyboys gyrate around cheap stages in Bangkok all for the promise of an american dollar (like Toddler and Beardo). A surefire cure for a possible crab related colonization is a regular course of puching yourself in the knackers. Depending on the seriousness of the infection, we would usually prescribe on a sliding scale, ranging from the power of a small child (or Hambone) right up to a Rocky-esque right hook (or the Bean). In your case, to be on the safe side I would suggest a regime of crotch pasting at the hands of a professional boxer.