Breaking News: Hamhead seizes control of BN Crew in dramatic coup.      -      Ceb seeks refuge in linen room.      -      Gapford location unknown.      -     Gapford sabotages Edgewilds X-Mas delivery.      -     Sources have confirmed: BN Crew website is ridiculous      -     Gapford kills everybody      -     Edgewild purchases ivory back scratcher      -     Hamhead purchases Edgewild      -     Edgewild enters voluntary liquidation, Hamhead rejoices      -     Hamhead files for bankrupcy      -     Kid Bisto to buy out Hamhead      -     Gapford to buy out Kid Bisto      -     Edgewild, Hamhead and Kid Bisto in suicide plot.      -     Cutter, Happy      -     Jevo expresses hope      -     Gapford expected to dash hope and happiness.      -     All the lads have kids      -     Gapford unveils plans to remove kids from lads.      -     Gibbo mistaken for walking dead.      -     Lofty arrested in sunroof shitting scandal.      -     Ceb arrested for not paying for anything for years.      -     Putin: Gapford is drunk on power.      -     Gapford: Putin is drunk.      -     Ceb: I'm drunk.      -     Gapford declares black Friday racist, creates white Wednesday.      -     Black people remove Wednesday from calendar.      -     Mallets confides in Cutter, "I was raped by a ghost".      -     Cutter to Ceb, "We need to find some new mates".      -     Gapford declares Tuesday 'Kill all of your friends day'.      -     Kid Bisto - Dead.      -     Gapford accused of manipulating media.      -     Gapford is amazing.      -     Edgewild & Sam happy.      -     Gapford angry.      -      Edgewild to collect post for Ceb.      -     Ceb wastes a lot of time on this news ticker/website.      -      President John F. Kennedy dies from wounds sustained in Dallas attack.      -      Thatcher to close Welsh mines.      -      Gapford continues hate campaign against Welsh and Austrailians by renting out table.      -      Kev joins a union, gets nowhere.      -      Cutter exposed as union spy, gets nowhere.      -      Gapford attacks child.      -      Child dead.      -      Ceb desecrates childs grave.      -      Mould removed from fridge.      -      Bean says something.      -      Bean's phone engaged.      -      We are an absolute joke declares Ceb after debut of three new tracks receiving zero likes on Facebook.      -      Danz receives life sentence, seems happy.      -     Lofty believed to be alive say police in Paris, presumed dead too somehow.      -     Body of BN legend JOR found in lake district, presumed wet.      -     BN Crew legend Senior goes on rampage, death toll stands at 65.      -     Jackstack contracts mystery illness, spends last hours 'heading home.'           Breaking News:  Andy Whyment releases single, then takes it back.      -     Bruiser arrested for assault, later claims it was some foreign guy.      -     Mallets changes name to Lord Mallets, Gapford, Cutter refuse to accept.      -     Hamhead once again named Big Booty Daddy.      -     The Meanalogue starts world tour, fatalities expected.           Breaking News:  Disco Lights risks wrath of the Backlash by releasing range of feminine hygiene products.      -     Bean found dead, later claims he was 'just trying to get home'.      -     Gapplication denies existence of Backlash, claims 'It is fine, everything is fine.'      -     Toolbox returns to the fold, later found out to be hallucination.      -     Well James crippled in mystery attack.           Breaking News:  Cutter takes part in mystery attack, describes it as 'rapid buzz'.      -     That guy is sound.      -     Paul E. Believably believed to be in Hungary to avoid backlash.      -     BN Kingpin Ceb still awaiting backlash, believed to be 'expecting fucking Hell.'      -     The Ennistigator claims backlash could spell the end for BNCrew, is later found dead.           Breaking News:  The Bean wins Emmy for 'Captain Cruinneas' eukener'.      -     Lorcan rushed to hospital with suspected broken pelvis, changes name to Elvis the pelvis.      -     Lofty avoiding backlash in the Legal Eagle compound.      -     Q-Ball claims backlash is related to BN Crew's violent agenda, later beats self to pulp.      -     Russell involved in multiple car pile up in own bedroom.           Breaking News:  Unihead has 41st heart attack, barely notices.      -     Peter Sheridan files for divorce, court rejects on grounds of him not being married.      -     Ex BN manager Guy Nougat offers to help his former band during this time of emergency, receives beat down from Kid Beef instead.      -     Bred suspends annual trip to Australia, goes into hiding.           Breaking News:  The Cutter claims he doesn't care about the Backlash, just wants to lift things up and put them back down.      -     Gibney Ray's mate Table still at large, in his fucking head.      -     Dylhead checks into rehab, checks out book at library.      -     Gaidan seeks advice from Muttonhead about backlash, later beats him to death.      -     Gayommie calls meeting of entire Team Sexy to discuss backlash strategy.           Breaking News:  Groover calls Gayommie gay.      -     Iano invites wrath of backlash by claiming he has risen from dead weekly since 1996.      -     The Mongrel holed up in flaming shack.      -     The Colonel Sack prepares for Backlash by growing moustache.      -     Muttonhead spotted on fire at bus stop in Leatherhead.           Breaking News:  Tim believed to have fled country after initial signs of backlash, believed to be heavily armed.      -     Moosejaw claims to be 'made of pain.'      -     The Moonthor gives kidney back, claims one is more than enough.      -     Kate offers kidney on EBay, no reserve.      -     Rogan Josh says next book will be about the Backlash, if he survives it.           Breaking News:  The Bean pleads with nation to 'keep it real'.      -     Hoffman McQueen pays tribute to Findus Kid in bizarre facebook message.      -     Suntan O'Connor hospitalised after by election win.           Breaking News:  Doctor EdgeWild fading fast, priest summoned to hospital bed.      -     Limewad said to be fearing backlash, behaviour said to be disturbingly erratic.      -     Daly has wank.      -     Beardo returns from Middle East peace talks, claims he'll 'sort it out later.'

Grinton Wins Annual BN Crew Milk Race:
     A jubilant Gapford this morning celebrated his second year in a row winning the annual BNCrew milk race after a nail biting competition against Kid Beef.

     It came as no surprise as Gapford beat off all the competition in the early rounds whilst beating himself off in the process. His closest rival The Cutter, real name Kid Wisp, was said to display the whole gamut of emotions in the lead up to the final, he also beat himself off in preparation.

     The final was held in front of a sell out crowd of two in the RDS main hall beside some vans. In the opening 6 seconds it looked like Cutter (real name Kid Beef) would be the victor when he displayed never seen before tactics of giving it the gimmick but was swiftly overtaken by the awesome power of Gapford's abilities, the competition was over in under 70 seconds when Cutter (real name Cutter) finally succumbed to defeat.

     The after party was marred by scenes all to familiar in BNCrew competition which saw both Gaplett and Cutter barfing mercilessly all over spectators and kids alike. One witness, Gapford's Da, was quoted as saying absolutely nothing except nodding his head in an extremely disappointed manner and heading home, another witness was heard to remark, "this is the lowest thing since bred bought that jar of actual piss".

Video courtesy of Bruiser.