Breaking News: Hamhead seizes control of BN Crew in dramatic coup.      -      Ceb seeks refuge in linen room.      -      Gapford location unknown.      -     Gapford sabotages Edgewilds X-Mas delivery.      -     Sources have confirmed: BN Crew website is ridiculous      -     Gapford kills everybody      -     Edgewild purchases ivory back scratcher      -     Hamhead purchases Edgewild      -     Edgewild enters voluntary liquidation, Hamhead rejoices      -     Hamhead files for bankrupcy      -     Kid Bisto to buy out Hamhead      -     Gapford to buy out Kid Bisto      -     Edgewild, Hamhead and Kid Bisto in suicide plot.      -     Cutter, Happy      -     Jevo expresses hope      -     Gapford expected to dash hope and happiness.      -     All the lads have kids      -     Gapford unveils plans to remove kids from lads.      -     Gibbo mistaken for walking dead.      -     Lofty arrested in sunroof shitting scandal.      -     Ceb arrested for not paying for anything for years.      -     Putin: Gapford is drunk on power.      -     Gapford: Putin is drunk.      -     Ceb: I'm drunk.      -     Gapford declares black Friday racist, creates white Wednesday.      -     Black people remove Wednesday from calendar.      -     Mallets confides in Cutter, "I was raped by a ghost".      -     Cutter to Ceb, "We need to find some new mates".      -     Gapford declares Tuesday 'Kill all of your friends day'.      -     Kid Bisto - Dead.      -     Gapford accused of manipulating media.      -     Gapford is amazing.      -     Edgewild & Sam happy.      -     Gapford angry.      -      Edgewild to collect post for Ceb.      -     Ceb wastes a lot of time on this news ticker/website.      -      President John F. Kennedy dies from wounds sustained in Dallas attack.      -      Thatcher to close Welsh mines.      -      Gapford continues hate campaign against Welsh and Austrailians by renting out table.      -      Kev joins a union, gets nowhere.      -      Cutter exposed as union spy, gets nowhere.      -      Gapford attacks child.      -      Child dead.      -      Ceb desecrates childs grave.      -      Mould removed from fridge.      -      Bean says something.      -      Bean's phone engaged.      -      We are an absolute joke declares Ceb after debut of three new tracks receiving zero likes on Facebook.      -      Danz receives life sentence, seems happy.      -     Lofty believed to be alive say police in Paris, presumed dead too somehow.      -     Body of BN legend JOR found in lake district, presumed wet.      -     BN Crew legend Senior goes on rampage, death toll stands at 65.      -     Jackstack contracts mystery illness, spends last hours 'heading home.'           Breaking News:  Andy Whyment releases single, then takes it back.      -     Bruiser arrested for assault, later claims it was some foreign guy.      -     Mallets changes name to Lord Mallets, Gapford, Cutter refuse to accept.      -     Hamhead once again named Big Booty Daddy.      -     The Meanalogue starts world tour, fatalities expected.           Breaking News:  Disco Lights risks wrath of the Backlash by releasing range of feminine hygiene products.      -     Bean found dead, later claims he was 'just trying to get home'.      -     Gapplication denies existence of Backlash, claims 'It is fine, everything is fine.'      -     Toolbox returns to the fold, later found out to be hallucination.      -     Well James crippled in mystery attack.           Breaking News:  Cutter takes part in mystery attack, describes it as 'rapid buzz'.      -     That guy is sound.      -     Paul E. Believably believed to be in Hungary to avoid backlash.      -     BN Kingpin Ceb still awaiting backlash, believed to be 'expecting fucking Hell.'      -     The Ennistigator claims backlash could spell the end for BNCrew, is later found dead.           Breaking News:  The Bean wins Emmy for 'Captain Cruinneas' eukener'.      -     Lorcan rushed to hospital with suspected broken pelvis, changes name to Elvis the pelvis.      -     Lofty avoiding backlash in the Legal Eagle compound.      -     Q-Ball claims backlash is related to BN Crew's violent agenda, later beats self to pulp.      -     Russell involved in multiple car pile up in own bedroom.           Breaking News:  Unihead has 41st heart attack, barely notices.      -     Peter Sheridan files for divorce, court rejects on grounds of him not being married.      -     Ex BN manager Guy Nougat offers to help his former band during this time of emergency, receives beat down from Kid Beef instead.      -     Bred suspends annual trip to Australia, goes into hiding.           Breaking News:  The Cutter claims he doesn't care about the Backlash, just wants to lift things up and put them back down.      -     Gibney Ray's mate Table still at large, in his fucking head.      -     Dylhead checks into rehab, checks out book at library.      -     Gaidan seeks advice from Muttonhead about backlash, later beats him to death.      -     Gayommie calls meeting of entire Team Sexy to discuss backlash strategy.           Breaking News:  Groover calls Gayommie gay.      -     Iano invites wrath of backlash by claiming he has risen from dead weekly since 1996.      -     The Mongrel holed up in flaming shack.      -     The Colonel Sack prepares for Backlash by growing moustache.      -     Muttonhead spotted on fire at bus stop in Leatherhead.           Breaking News:  Tim believed to have fled country after initial signs of backlash, believed to be heavily armed.      -     Moosejaw claims to be 'made of pain.'      -     The Moonthor gives kidney back, claims one is more than enough.      -     Kate offers kidney on EBay, no reserve.      -     Rogan Josh says next book will be about the Backlash, if he survives it.           Breaking News:  The Bean pleads with nation to 'keep it real'.      -     Hoffman McQueen pays tribute to Findus Kid in bizarre facebook message.      -     Suntan O'Connor hospitalised after by election win.           Breaking News:  Doctor EdgeWild fading fast, priest summoned to hospital bed.      -     Limewad said to be fearing backlash, behaviour said to be disturbingly erratic.      -     Daly has wank.      -     Beardo returns from Middle East peace talks, claims he'll 'sort it out later.'

     The BN Crew are a band from North Dublin, Ireland. They formed in 1997 when original members, Uncle D (Dr. Edgewild), Ruddy J (Ceb) and Dr. Leo (actual doctor) put together the album Tippin' the Cow (1997).

     The album was basically a mix of Hip hop samples with a humourous edge. At that time, the Dublin hip hop scene was mainly American influenced lyrics and beats, with the possible exception of Scary Éire who were the leaders in Irish hip hop at the time. The album achieved only underground success, mainly being publicized through word of mouth.

     The BN Crew played live shows at house parties and impromptu concerts set up in parks across Dublin. Their lyrics attracted some media attention, mainly negative but no record company would touch them so they tuched themselves. Repeatedly. They continued pressing their own records throughout the latter part of the 1990s and into the new millennium with limited success, paying just enough to keep the band together and producing music.

     2005 was a huge year for BN Crew after 3 years of very limited production as conflict within the band saw a dip in the quality of production on BN tracks. This is the year which saw the release of "Magic Lung" and "It could be worse", both of which proved to be major successes for the BN, the double A side single making it into the Irish charts at number 34, impressive for an unsigned act produced from inside a wardrobe for some reason.

     In October of 2005, BN Crew reached a national audience as they appeared on Cruinneas, an Irish language program on TG4, an Irish language station broadcast across Ireland. On this program, they played their original single BabyKill, which is scheduled for re-release in January 2006. It is believed that all members of the audience that day later killed themselves.

     After the buzz surrounding the multi-selling 'Where did it all go wrong?' the crew's popularity dwindled and it's fanbase slumped to roughly three people. Regardless of this the crew have continued working on new material and have been known to make appearances at local record signings of other more popular bands. Sources have indicated that BN Crew plan to release their long awaited follow up album 'Clockwork idiots' sometime in 2015, great.

The Full Story - By Hoffman McQueen
     It all started way back in 1991. Irwin R. Schyster was president, the advent of colour television brought new excitement to peoples otherwise dull lives and a fledgling band from the white ghetto area 

    Fresh from a night of drug abuse, three young men became tired of the non-stop shit that assaulted their ears on the radio every day. The first of these was Cebral, later to change his name to Shakira and then back again within moments. He was an unemployed exotic dancer looking for work and a change of lifestyle. He was to become the creative force behind the BN Crew.

    
Dr. Leo Hernandez was his partner in crime/rhyme and between them had amassed well over three song writing credits before they had even met each other and, bizarrely, before they had ever written a song. These hits included Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" and Rodney King's "White Supremacy". Dr. Leo was a Latino kid who had grown up in a racist area of Marino known as 'South Central'. His hispanic background shows itself in his unique style of flow known in certain circles as 'Latino Heat'.

     The last member present on that fateful night was Doctor Edgewild, a fabled nazi sympathizer and media pundit. His overtly racist attitude and constant need for rebellion often led to conflict with Dr. Leo, often leading to savage beatings.

     These three were to be the backbone of the BN Crew in it's early days and were responsible for their first album; the eclectic "Tippin' the Cow". A mix of urban junglist beats and big band style anthems. Upon it's release, "Tippin'" became an instant classic outselling its nearest chart rival (Guns n Roses - Use your Illusion II) by almost three to one. It secured the number one spot on the 5th of August 1993 and stayed on top of the charts for three months before finally being unseated from its throne by Chacka Demus and Pliers with their hit "Times new roman".
of Dubh Linn were about to break down the walls of a dying music scene. That band were the Buttnuggets Crew - later to become the BNC. This is their courageous story.

     During this time, singles such as "Alcopop" and "Fuck you & the whore you rode in on" gained infamy as the first songs to appear on national radio to deal with the subjects of underage drinking and prostitution. Amazingly, it wasn't until January of 1994 that people realized that the lyrics were in fact in favour of both and indeed promoting both as acceptable activities in which to be involved. The streets were flooded with underage drinkers and underage hookers, much to the excitement of the members of the BN Crew. However not everybody enjoyed this new 'Golden Age'.

     Music stores right across the nation tore down BN crew posters from their walls. CDs were collected and burned in mass burnings led by the 'Society for Understanding, Compassion and Hamhead'. These self styled moral guardians of the nation waged war against the BNC claiming that they were corrupting the youth and promoting unacceptable behaviour. The BN responded to these wild accusations with ignorant force, burning down churches, hassling shopkeepers and abusing the elderly, often while chanting some of their now infamous war cries which included - Eoin Hanton 2B, football and free wallet.

     The public began to turn against the BN Crew, deeming them mindless thugs. The BN responded with mindless thuggery. But it was still clear that the BN needed some musical longevity as Dr. Leo and Dr. Edgewild's intense creative rivalry was reaching titanic proportions.

     It was a time bomb waiting to be dumped on. Cebral saw this danger and decided to inject some new life into the throbbing veins of the BNC. He called on his long time friend and former dance partner The Toolbox. Toolbox had an almost unnatural rhythm and ability to spot a chart hit in the making. Two of the BN Crew's most successful tracks "B & Snippy" and "B's chewing tobacco" were written and produced by Toolbox and Cebral giving the hard-core BN fanbase something new. This year also saw the release of the now infamous "B" ep from which the afforementioned offerings hailed.

     It was not all plain sailing for this new look BN lineup however. Toolbox had an eating disorder which meant that he had to have his stomach pumped and his bowels cleaned almost weekly. This was a $4000 treatment which ate into the BN's funds considerably and caused great tension within the band, especially among the two other original members.

     To attract a younger audience, the BN employed the help of a childrens entertainer known at the time as "cool hand Luke".

     'Quickfist' as he liked to be called became the acceptable public face of the BNC often enjoying the limelight during interviews. He lived his life in the fast lane and became a fixture on the Hollywood party scene, regularly chartering the BN's private jet to fly him or his ladyfriends to a social event half way around the globe.

     His striking looks and imposing physique graced the covers of hundreds of teen girl magazines and more than a few men's 'special intrest' magazines. His love of the high life however often left him strung out on the day of an important gig, leaving his bandmates to explain his absence to expectant fans.      The BNC, now a fivepiece needed to cement their reputation as the greatest band on Earth with a Christmas number one, however laziness and time off for creche raids meant that Christmas day came and the BN had failed to record thier single "Christmas Log" in time. It was finally recorded and released in January. It sold in record numbers and there were many calls to move Christmas itself to coincide with whenever the BN could be bothered to release singles.

     This whole episode showed how much power the BN had at the height of their success. Governments granted them immunity from criminal prosecution in an attempt to harness the power of the youth vote. The police turned a blind eye to their murderous rampages and it is even believed that they were behind the LA riots, the Holocaust and the bog washing of Ian Beale. In fact, many people believe that the BN are responsible for the majority of the unexplained dissappearances in the world.

     Unfortunately, the high rolling life that the BN had been leading began to take its toll on the band members and before long tensions within the band started overshadowing the music and spilled over into public appearances. Newspapers and music magazines around the world got on this tension like flies on shite.     The notorious Dr. Leo, as he insisted on being called, became involved in many other projects in 1997. His hideous face was plastered across the music industry's most exclusive magazines. In every interview he talked of his solo projects and other bands, referring to the BN crew as "a bunch of soulless inbred amateurs incapable of functioning without the notorious one" (Rolling Stone interview - 12/7/97).

     Understandably the BN hit back by administering a savage beating to seven of Dr. Leo's eight bastard sons, confining them all to wheelchairs. Dr. Leo was at he height of his creative peak and his Latino flows were taking the world by storm.

     His infidelity to BN resulted in several reprimands by the crew and more than one vicious assault. It is widely believed that he received over fifty broken bones at the hands of the BN members during the later months of 1997. It was clear that the BN were heading for difficulties.

     It was around this time that the most disturbing BN trend of all came to the fore. Due to the innovative nature of the crew's music, several tracks featuredco-collaborators from the world of hip-hop, organised crime and pro-wrestling. These co-collaborators became known as the BN all-stars and often attended awards shows uninvited and with the sole intention of injuring and/or offending.

     The all-stars included BN favourites like Gaidan, Hambone, The Muinteoir and Danz, among many others. These brought an interesting edge to the BN's music but also an interesting array of weapons with them to public places. The re-popularisation of the knuckle duster is widely attributed to Danz who is currently picking up dropped soap in the Tampa Bay correctional institute.

    
Undoubtedly, the All-stars added a significant creative influx to the BN and kept their sound fresh but experts agree that they probably did more damage than they did good. The all-stars would often gather groups of fans together from outside BN stageshows with the promise of meeting the band. Once inside the venue, they would force these fans (both male and female, under age and over) into unspeakable acts of depravity. When confronted by promoters or police, they regularly used bats and chains as a form of response. It got to the stage where they were banned from BN gigs by the BN themselves leading to infighting amongst the orligina as to who would fill in the all-stars verses.

     Dr. Leo spent most of 1998 in rehabilitation at the 'medical facility for Latin rap meisters' in Ohio. During this time, most of the material being released by the BN was slated by critics as dull and unimaginative. It appeared that without Fleo's rhymes, the BNC were nothing.

     Despite a number of hit singles, 1998 was a lean year for the BN. Quickfist Luke spent a considerable portion of that year incarcerated and under investigation for his part in a plot to assassinate the already dead US President John F. Kennedy. Toolbox often missed scheduled recording sessions to reignite his love affair with the erotic dance circuit. Dr. Edgewild, now devoid of a nemesis with Leo in traction, picked random fights at award shows, banquets and even charity auctions. Cebral found himself alone at press releases and public meetings, often having to explain the absences of his bandmates to the waiting media who seemed all too eager to turn on the once golden goose of the music business.

     The fans were growing tired of the BN's renegade ways and record sales slumped. 'Tippin the cow' became a bargain basement filler and their videos were all but dropped from MTV's playlists. It seemed that despite the new wave of enthusiasm that quickfist and toolbox had brought with them, the BN were headed for a dead end to the rollercoaster careers.

     It had been three months since the members had appeared at an official BN function together. The record buying public had sought solace in the interchangeable pop acts which littered the billboard top 100 charts and the BN looked like crawling back under the rocks from which they had initially crawled out from. But help was to arrive in an unlikely shape. The shape of a human person. His name was Lofty.

     At a towering 8'11'' tall, Lofty was a star of the NBA and a national celebrity. He had appeared in over two thousand commercials, promoting everything from sneakers to snakeskin pants and chinese food to chinese people. He, like most Americans, had been a BN fan and when he had become disheartened with his playboy lifestyle, he would play a BN CD and forget his troubles. He figured that he owed the BN for all the quality music and merchandise that had assaulted his ears and draned his wallet over the past 6 years.

     He organised a wet t-shirt competition to bring the 5 BN members together, knowing as he did the BN's love of wet stuff. The day of the competition arrived on the 7th of May, 1999. Lofty had received personal replies from each BN member expressing their excitement at the impending competition. All except Quickfist who had received an invitation to an all-male grease gathering.

    
As Lofty opened his car door to drive to the Georgia HooverDome, site of the competition, three masked assailants attacked him and beat him to the ground. Despite being parked outside the police headquarters at the time, the police did not arrive for three and a half hours, by which time Lofty had bled to death. The competition was cancelled in honour of this remarkable star.

     His funeral was a torrid affair with all 5 BN members and several of the All-Stars (the BN subordinates) causing a ruckus to match that at the funeral of Elvis Presly. The coffin was smashed over the head of the Toolbox causing him to suffer internal haemhorraghing and eventual brain damage. Cebral used the battered corpse of his friend to outnumber and beat Dr. Edgewild while Dr. Leo administered the dreaded last rites to Quickfist. This was a move that the Doctor had perfected on the tough streets of Marino whereby he would twist his victim's head through 98 degrees (a kind of homage to his favorite band) and slam it to the pavement, in this case the altar of the first methodist church in New Hampshire. Police broke up the funeral and the BN went their seperate ways, bruised and battered at each other's hands.

     So, what now for the BN? Will the world ever see the undeniable creative genius of the BN back in the charts? I posed the question to Cebral at his cotton-picking ranch in the deep south. "Whether we get back together or not...Well, I guess it's possible. The important thing is that chinese people are stopped. I mean we all like rice but every day? What the fuck is that about? Now they want me to eat square watermelons or some shit. Not in my town, I won't. Fuck the BN Crew. I havent got time for you. Fuck off home to Shanghai before I napalm your ass. They're a legit threat, they're fucking sound, sound." Cebral has clearly suffered the rock stars curse - he is clinically insane.

     I decided to track down the other BN members to try and make sense of some of the rumours which have been circling the BN carcass. Dr. Leo refused to comment on a possible BN reunification but was able to tell me that he has bedded over sixteen thousand women since the BN crew went their seperate ways. He is a salesman in 'Bedz for Less' in Wisconsin. He still writes lyrics but is resigned to the fact that no-one really wants to hear them.

     Quickfist and Toolbox treated me to an exotic dance and said that they had yet to be approached with the idea of a comeback single. When I asked Toolbox if the money was right would he consider it, he said he would do anything for money and licked his lips suggestively. I left the 'Greasy Goujon' adult emporium and headed in search of Dr. Edgewild. I am yet to find him as he hasn't been seen since his ill-fated trip to the bermuda triangle. Should you have any information whatsoever regarding the whereabouts of him, please contact me at the above address. Any information which results in the successful interviewing of Edgewild will be rewarded with a credit in my forthcoming book, 'The BN - Fuck you.'