Jake and Nog sub-plot. - Hamhead seizes control of BN Crew in dramatic coup. -
Ceb seeks refuge in linen room. -
Gapford location unknown. - Gapford
sabotages Edgewilds X-Mas delivery. - Sources
have confirmed: BN Crew website is ridiculous - Gapford
kills everybody - Edgewild
purchases ivory back scratcher - Hamhead
purchases Edgewild - Edgewild
enters voluntary liquidation, Hamhead rejoices - Hamhead
files for bankruptcy - Kid
Bisto to buy out Hamhead - Gapford
to buy out Kid Bisto - Edgewild,
Hamhead and Kid Bisto in suicide plot. - Cutter,
Happy - Jevo
expresses hope - Gapford
expected to dash hope and happiness. - All
the lads have kids - Gapford
unveils plans to remove kids from lads. - Gibbo
mistaken for walking dead. - Lofty
arrested in sunroof shitting scandal. - Ceb
arrested for not paying for anything for years. - Putin:
Gapford is drunk on power. - Gapford:
Putin is drunk. - Ceb:
I'm drunk. - Gapford
declares black Friday racist, creates white Wednesday. - Black
people remove Wednesday from calendar. - Mallets
confides in Cutter, "I was raped by a ghost". - Cutter
to Ceb, "We need to find some new mates". - Gapford
declares Tuesday 'Kill all of your friends day'. - Kid
Bisto - Dead. - Gapford
accused of manipulating media. - Gapford
is amazing. - Edgewild
& Sam happy. - Gapford
Edgewild to collect post for Ceb. - Ceb
wastes a lot of time on this news ticker/website. -
President John F. Kennedy dies from wounds sustained in Dallas attack.
to close Welsh mines. -
Gapford continues hate campaign against Welsh and Australians by
renting out table. -
Kev joins a union, gets nowhere. -
Cutter exposed as union spy, gets nowhere. -
Gapford attacks child. -
Child dead. -
Ceb desecrates childs grave. -
Mould removed from fridge. -
Bean says something. -
Bean's phone engaged. -
We are an absolute joke declares Ceb after debut of three new tracks
receiving zero likes on Facebook. -
Danz receives life sentence, seems happy. - Lofty
believed to be alive say police in Paris, presumed dead too somehow.
of BN legend JOR found in lake district, presumed wet. - BN
Crew legend Senior goes on rampage, death toll stands at 65. - Jackstack
contracts mystery illness, spends last hours 'heading home.' Breaking
News: Andy Whyment releases single, then takes it back. - Bruiser
arrested for assault, later claims it was some foreign guy. - Mallets
changes name to Lord Mallets, Gapford, Cutter refuse to accept.
once again named Big Booty Daddy. - The
Meanalogue starts world tour, fatalities expected. Breaking
News: Disco Lights risks wrath of the Backlash by releasing
range of feminine hygiene products. - Bean
found dead, later claims he was 'just trying to get home'. - Gapplication
denies existence of Backlash, claims 'It is fine, everything is
fine.' - Toolbox
returns to the fold, later found out to be hallucination. - Well
James crippled in mystery attack. Breaking
News: Cutter takes part in mystery attack, describes it as
'rapid buzz'. - That
guy is sound. - Paul
E. Believably believed to be in Hungary to avoid backlash. - BN
Kingpin Ceb still awaiting backlash, believed to be 'expecting fucking
Hell.' - The
Ennistigator claims backlash could spell the end for BNCrew, is
later found dead. Breaking
News: The Bean wins Emmy for 'Captain Cruinneas' eukener'.
rushed to hospital with suspected broken pelvis, changes name to
Elvis the pelvis. - Lofty
avoiding backlash in the Legal Eagle compound. - Q-Ball
claims backlash is related to BN Crew's violent agenda, later beats
self to pulp. - Russell
involved in multiple car pile up in own bedroom. Breaking
News: Unihead has 41st heart attack, barely notices. - Peter
Sheridan files for divorce, court rejects on grounds of him not
being married. - Ex
BN manager Guy Nougat offers to help his former band during this
time of emergency, receives beat down from Kid Beef instead. - Bred
suspends annual trip to Australia, goes into hiding. Breaking
News: The Cutter claims he doesn't care about the Backlash,
just wants to lift things up and put them back down. - Gibney
Ray's mate Table still at large, in his fucking head. - Dylhead
checks into rehab, checks out book at library. - Gaidan
seeks advice from Muttonhead about backlash, later beats him to
death. - Gayommie
calls meeting of entire Team Sexy to discuss backlash strategy.
News: Groover calls Gayommie gay. - Iano
invites wrath of backlash by claiming he has risen from dead weekly
since 1996. - The
Mongrel holed up in flaming shack. - The
Colonel Sack prepares for Backlash by growing moustache. - Muttonhead
spotted on fire at bus stop in Leatherhead. Breaking
News: Tim believed to have fled country after initial signs
of backlash, believed to be heavily armed. - Moosejaw
claims to be 'made of pain.' - The
Muinteoir gives kidney back, claims one is more than enough. - Kate
offers kidney on eBay, no reserve. - Rogan
Josh says next book will be about the Backlash, if he survives it.
News: The Bean pleads with nation to 'keep it real'. - Hoffman
McQueen pays tribute to Findus Kid in bizarre Facebook message.
O'Connor hospitalized after by election win. Breaking
News: Doctor Edgewild fading fast, priest summoned to hospital
bed. - Limewad
said to be fearing backlash, behavior said to be disturbingly erratic.
has wank. - Beardo
returns from Middle East peace talks, claims he'll 'sort it out
If you play BN Crew's 'The Renegade Binmen' backwards
you'll hear BN Crew's 'The Renegade Binmen' backwards.
out BN Crew's 'Childs Pants Highway', it's garbage.
addition to the Trip Into Uncle-D's Dream, this one needs no explaination,
nor does it deserve one.
to BN Crew's 'Gap's Dream (The Onion Mysteries remix)'
it out, it's the incredibly depressing 'Gap's Dream (The Onion
Mysteries remix)', there is literally nothing good about
it. It features no samples all homegrown noise with the vocal skills
of Dr. Edgewild and inspired by the stainless steel dream AKA Gapford's
life. It serves as a follow up to the incredible 'You Can Hire' that
was listened to by three people a few years ago.
of shoes, bicycle, socks, football, treadmill, pedalboat, ladder,
orienteering map and foot spa. Reluctant sale due to Fairview Park.
Contact: Guido Nasi.
adds Callely to expand powerbase.
Former (or possibly current, I can't remember)
BN Crew leader Gapford today made moves to add to his powerbase by
bringing Ivor Callely into the fold.
Folio ring binder.
In a move that experts are calling 'a move',
Gapford believes that Callely's experience of clenching his jaw and
having fairly white hair could be enough to propel him back to the
main stage of whatever it is I'm talking about.
Uninvolved BN all star legend Disco Lights was
unavailable for comment but commented that he was delighted to be
Described as a 'solid addition', Callely will
hope that he lasts longer than other flavours of the month including
That Guy and Nice jacket, on your dog. Naff Co 54.
July Starsign With Mystic Edgewild
(Only valid for a few minutes in 2001)
have cancer. You haven't got much time left. Why are you wasting it
with the BNCREW? To find out more visit Mystic Edgewild's
page, click here.
brings it out:
Crew's resident manic mechanic today shocked the motor sports world
by bringing a Peugeot 106 out to John Murphy while a stage of the
World Rally Championship was in progress.
Sebastian Loeb in a manoeuvre the French driver described as 'fucking
YEAH!', FintecB16a managed to somehow clip the side of Loeb's Citroen
Xsara, causing him to kill several thousand spectators.
himself was believed to be heading to Murphy's to 'Drive her on' but
stumbled across the rally stage and decided to 'drive her on anyway'.
Rally organisers described
the incident as 'minor' and
the families of the dead spectators are believed to have accepted
Citroen T shirts in place of their dead relatives. Fintec
himself later traded in the Peugeot for a Kawasaki from California.
to BN Crew's 'Veneer Heroes'
track actually sounds almost like music, it's 'Veneer Heroes', no
samples just home grown crap on this one, it's not hip-hop either,
it's some kind of ambient, piano type thing. Get it into you!.
Edgewild's surgery - The Doctor is in.
Dear Doctor EdgeWild,
I am a 26 year old male who has been
a long time sufferer from premature ejaculation. Most recently,
I was set up on a blind date and as I was preparing my emergency
Rohypnol pocket cloth, I shot off all over the TV. What should I
do? Is there some sort of surgery I could get, maybe a nozzle or
valve insertion of some kind?
This is a classic case of sexually
manifested mental trauma. Track down everyone who has ever wronged
you and murder them. You will soon see an improvement and maybe
even be able to last three or four minutes.
Dear Doctor EdgeWild,
I am a female BN fan and at a recent
gig I was invited backstage to the after show party. I became sexually
involved with several...
storms stage at Olympia 2011:
head of everything The Cutter last night stormed the stage at the
2011 Mr. Olympia contest in Las Vegas, Nevada.
Test was said to be visibly agitated throughout the evening as he
sat in the honoured guests section.
before the headline category of the evening's competition, Kid Yeah
pushed past several security
guards and made his way to the stage. Interrupting actor Charlie
Sheen, he took the microphone from the shamed 'Two and a half
men' star and proceeded to run down the competition, asking judges
if they really expected him to stay out of the gym for over two
eventally ushered Kid Rodney to an exit where it is believed he
was driven away by a waiting Derek 'Firestorm' Collins.
reports then placed The Toecutter at several 24 hour gyms in the
Las Vegas area before some other stuff probably happened.
his return to Ireland, Kid Beef gave a rare interview to waiting
journalists where he said "That was gay."
of a legend: The first cut is the deepest.
The very first casualty of the BN
Crew uncivil war has now been confirmed.
Square Head is dead.
communications being problematic, tributes have poured in to BNCrew.com
from both sides of the divide. Here are just a few of them in tributes
to the great man.
"No other BN Crew member has even come close to his contribution
to BN life. Member for an hour, legend for a lifetime." - Lord
"I formed the Doves of Peace on the strength of his character.
If only his body been as strong, he might have survived the services
blast." - G Man."When
I think BN Crew, I think Mr. Square Head." - Peter Mandleson.
is a legend. It is the blackest day in the history of this crew.
I just don't know how we go on from here." - Disco Lights.
just so square." - Doctor EdgeWild.
cower in fear but since he's been gone, I've cowered fifteen per
cent harder."- Rodney.
sure if this war will eventually tear us apart but the soul of the
BN Crew has already died." - JackStack Whyte.
fit into a box like a dream. Zero packing foam, zero." - Derek
faction aims to stem the tide of war in the BN Crew
new faction has emerged today from the smouldering embers of unrest
seeking to pour some kind of non flammable gimmick onto the fires
of Hell that could be the BN Crew Uncivil War (tm bncrew.com 2012).
Ceb's vicious beating last week, both sides appear to have set the
war machine in motion, not dissimilar to slowly pushing a small
child's toy along a gently sloping gradient.
new faction, calling themselves the
Doves of Peace, have been set up by G Money, saying today
'War is Hell. My life is Hell. You don't need this shit in your
G Money has brought Mr. Square Head
into his faction and sees him as the only man who can reverse the
decision made for war sparked by the savage, and fully deserved,
beating of resistance leader Ceb. 'I've known him for a matter of
moments and have full confidence that he is capable of doing something
resistance, lead currently by the highly inept Doctor Edgewild,
believed to be skeptical and tired.
Leader of the BN Crew Hamhead has
yet to confirm that he will listen to the Doves of Peace but has
previously appointed an avian to his cabinet when he named his pigeon
'Stamply' as BNC general treasurer.
appoints Muttonhead to senior cabinet position.
BN leader Hamhead has named long suffering
BN life sentence Muttonhead to his cabinet as Minister for Crimean
Ham/Mutton axis has long been a force in the BN Crew even though I
literally thought of it there about 5 minutes ago.
Hamhead took control of the BN news from within the crew has slowed
to a trickle. Some commentators attribute this to Hamhead's 'Iron
Fist in the Velvet Glove' policy although there is a growing movement
suggesting we just lost interest for a bit and nobody noticed.
is expected to not really notice his new position and there will either
be far reaching, wide ranging changes or everything will just stay
has long supported Hamhead and is widely believed to have been behind
the Donnybrook Massacre in 2009 when over 6000 people were slaughtered
in a Sony shop.
all star leader (probably) Gaidan has gone on record to say 'This
is a thing that is happening to us right now. Not tomorrow.'
nails his colours to the mast
Jackstack Whyte has become the first BN Crew
member to officially endorse Hamhead's leadership.
Putting his head above the parapet, Jackner said 'I, for one, welcome
our new Hamhead overlord', the first time Jackstack has endorsed anything
in any way.
a week after the violent leadership coup, he is the first high ranking
member to publicly pledge his support because I haven't been bothered
to write anything else so far.
himself has been quiet and also loud somehow, probably drunkenly demanding
satisfaction in the back seat of a Cinquecento.
seizes control of BN Crew in bloody coup
Ceb's 20 year leadership of the BN Crew ended
today as former All Star leader Hamhead completed a shocking coup
to assume control.
Gunfire was heard in the early hours of this
morning from Ceb's Rosslare compound, where the now deposed leader
has been sealed for almost 6 years now. The timeline of events is
yet to become clear but it is believed several high ranking BN members
shocking turn of events has taken everyone by surprise after an unusually
quiet few months for the BN Crew. It now seems that Hamhead has been
using this time to plan his bloody overthrow of the man who first
promoted him to full BN status.
reports suggest that Hamhead was aided by long term ally Disco Lights,
who is now seemingly the Lieutenant General of the Crew. Others said
to be involved in Hamhead's early morning attack were Bisto and Francis,
On Ceb's side, it is believed that Toddler and Beardo were both in
the compound at the time of the attack and are now missing, suspected
dead. It is not known why the two highly ranking BMS/BN members were
present at the time but some commentators suggest this may have been
known to Hamhead.
this early stage, it's unknown if Ceb himself is alive but Hamhead
has moved quickly to replace every CZW Renault with a Peugeot, a move
that most people are calling 'reliable'. In a very public declaration
of his new regime, Hamhead has also torn down the CZW sign, replacing
it with a sign saying Scatternagh II.
death toll for the daring dawn raid is as yet unknown but bodies were
spotted by a news station helicopter which was later shot at by Hamhead's
shock troops, as the compound was once again locked down.
on this breaking news story will appear on BNCrew.com whenever I
feel like it.
Footage Of Hamhead Coup Emerges
Shocking footage has emerged of the bloody
coup which saw Hamhead forcefully seize control of the BN Crew from
the ruddy claws of Ceb
reports say that the deposed leader has not been captured but sources
close to Hamhead say it's only a matter of time until Ceb is in
custody and forced to answer for his actions. Representatives for
Handlebar have said that any allies found to be harbouring Ceb would
face to full wrath of Hamhead justice, they would also probably
be raped by a ghost.
Bisto in blimp shame
The BN Crew today changed it's name to the
Blimp-N Crew in honour of Kid Bisto's new job as a blimp minder.
temporary change, which is expected to last as long as it takes to
write this article, was inspired when Kid Bisto informed the BN elders
of his new job, minding a blimp for some reason.
minding a blimp for some reason' said a clearly distressed and annoyed
latest bombshell brings the level of employment in the BN to a staggering
55%, although that number drops significantly to 10% when the O Continuum
employment is taken out.
for the O Continuum Gapford said 'Q the miserable, Q the desperate!
What must I do to convince you people?' which many believe to be linked
to the Industries Hall in some way.
it up and put it back down.
Photoshop skills, in full effect
restructuring sees the rise of the Enemaniacs
The new year has brought yet another restructuring
of the clearly already failed BN Crew.
Among the major, yet unimportant, changes sees
the formation of new splinter group the Enemaniacs.
The group will replace the popular Wet Bandits,
although they will still be mentioned whenever needed as if today's
incredibly useless restructuring never happened.
The Enemaniacs will consist of Ruddy J, Doctor
Edgewild, Kid Bisto and Hamhead for some reason. This latest BN restructuring
seems to make everyone feel better about the fact that we don't do
or achieve anything, in any way. BN enforcer Kid Beef was unavailable
for comment, nor did anyone ask, although it is presumed he doesn't
approve of this move.
Durex And The Condominium to reform
In the wake of Gapford announcing his intention
to reform the MeatBeat BN Crew enhancement talent Lofty today announced
his desire to reform his band Johnny Durex and the Condominium.
and the C had a string of number 1s in the late nineties but faded
into obscurity due to the members forgetting they were in a band.
Their last appearance was at Fistinvarna 2001 where they mesmerized
the crowd with a blistering 5 hour set after which the drummer Hamhead
died. At a press conference the following week Hamhead announced the
band would no longer be recording or touring. Their fate was then
sealed when lead singer Lofty was crippled from the neck down following
a horrific cycling accident in Wexford (left).
is the latest in a long list of revivals within BN Crew that began
with the reformation of the Wild Geese, the Leo Crowley Players and
Gapford's repeated attempts to reform his beloved MeatBeat.
leaves BN Crew, joins The Wipers
BN Crew was left stunned today following the
announcement that long time Crew member Gapford was to leave the BN
Crew and join rival faction 'The Wipers'.
announcement was made while Gapford was propping up the bar in his
fictional night club to fictional listeners.
Crew claim they had no prior knowledge of this move despite Gapford
stating 'We're with the wipers' on an extremely regular basis for
some years now. When questioned about the puzzling statement Ceb told
us "I thought it was just one of those things we were mad into
saying all the time, I thought nothing of it, I even joined in most
of the time."
latest blow for BN comes just weeks after Jackstack parted company
with the Crew in a bid to make something of his life, he has not been
heard from since.
is unclear what the next move for the BN Crew will be although naturalizing
'The Wipers' should be high on their priority.
Gapford rejoined BN Crew there a minute ago releasing the following
statement "Don't promote them, don't bring them to my games."
blasts BN Crew
White House hopeful Donald Trump today put
BN Crew on blast in what appears to be another popularity boosting
mentally unstable man began by taking a shot at Jackstack claiming
that Stack himself was guilty of future bullying, he then moved on
to berate Dr. Leo saying "he's not so tough with his beard".
Crew responded by sending Trump an autographed copy of clockwork Idiots,
a sexually explicit poster of Gibney Ray and a clotheshorse.
Muslims now us, what's next? the Romulons? Roegner?" the Crew
said during their hourly address to the nation.
is believed that this is the first and last we'll see of this topic
as the article was only written to compliment the Photoshop effort.
Crew - What the stars say about the crew...
firmly believe that the BN crew and their all-stars are the fathers
of modern music. After hearing 'Tippin' the cow', I was hooked.
I sold all my possessions and became a roadie on their infamous
"Got Violence?" tour." - Sir Paul McCartney, ridiculously over-rated.
like children more than you might think." - Michael Jackson, dangerous.
a homie played the single 'Christmas Log' at a party, I was instantly
converted. It was then that I realised my music was rubbish and
I instantly stopped making it. Word." - Coolio, black guy.
the whole word was against me, the BN were the only ones who understood.
They were there for me and took me in and let me tour with them.
I still don't know why they blamed me for the whole September 11
thing but I suppose thats life. Thank Allah for the BNC." - Osama Bin Laden, beard wearer.
single 'Vintage' woke me up when a car drove by with it blaring
from the speakers. I instantly clawed my way to the surface and
resumed my life as if nothing had ever happened." - Freddie Mercury, Under some pressure.
immediate concern was the children but the BN assured me that I
was stupid and beat me to within an inch of my life. That sealed
the deal for me. The BN seriously hurt me." - Gary Barlow, failure.
had so much surgery on my face, all music sounds like noise to me
but the BN were different as they raided my home and threatened
to come back for bubbles." - Michael Jackson, crutch-user.
BNC are poets. Plain and simple. If you can show me a better group
of lyricists then I'll show you those naked pictures of me I'm always
talking about." - Tom Jones, old man.
our CDs and caps and shit or we'll get you." - Edgewild, misunderstood
raped by ghost
BN Crew was rocked today following revelations
that splinter group member Malapeno had been raped.
revelation has come as a shock to many of the crew although it has
been reported that some of his closer friends were aware of the
situation for some time.
is believed that the incident took place in 2001 in a sub-HQ of
the BN Crew in North Dublin. At the time Malapeno confided in several
MeatBeat members but the revelation was met with disbelief followed
by laughter, at the time Cutter remarked "we need to find some
report was filed with an Garda Siochana who instantly dismissed
it as being utter nonsense and charged Malapeno for wasting police
time, he was later transported for a psychiatric evaluation which
the time of the attack mallets explained "I was just lying
in my bed trying to get to sleep and next minute I felt HIM laying
on top of me and going uhhhhhhhh" while thrusting his groin
to visually illustrate his story.
incident is not thought to be directly connected to the north Dublin
serial homosexual ghost rapist attacks of the late nineties which
effected 4 out of every 5 males.
report - Some hotel in Dortmund. Feels a little like a tomb or even coffin but surprisingly
warm and plain. An accusing eye count of zero means 3 rolls.
grow for Ceb
Fears are growing for the mental health of
BN Crew mainstay Ceb after worrying pictures of the embattled star
spent much of the last several years in treatment for various mental
disorders it appears Ceb has hit rock bottom. Several pictures have
been leaked to various media outlets which appear to show Ceb in some
kind of facial peril.
were raised by several prominent BN Crew members in recent times regarding
the mental stability of their band mate with Gapford stating "BN
Crew are a group of men so absorbed by their own rhetoric something
something something", in another statement made by Dr. Edgewild
that appears to echo the sentiments of Gapford Edgewild said "Talking,
that's why I'm talking" in a mad Norwich accent for some reason.
too is said to be concerned but also impressed by Ceb's new repertoire
of hilarious faces, In a statement given to BNCrew.com he said "He's
fucking 34 and has a kid!"
studied mechanics under Coronation Streets Kevin Webster BNCrew.com
is proud to present Master Mechanic and resident BN Crew monoxide
Every week Optibeak will share his insider
tips with you on how to get more monoxide from your motor and job
yourself out in a quicker more efficient manner.
Turning the mixture screw on the carburetor will enrichen the mixture
giving you more M.
Plugging the coolant temperature sensor out will make your car think
its cold as a result will produve more M
Closing the gap on the spark plugs will stop fuel efficiently being
burnt, sending unburned fuel out the exhaust causing DEATH
Plugging out the oxygen sensor will confuse the ECU into thinking
the engine is not getting enough fuel therefore richening the M
mixture out of control.
Why not replace your existing catalytic converter with a de-cat
pipe, this will guarantee much more M in the lungs.
Why not just buy a motorbike helmet, drill a hole in the top, insert
your hose pipe, attaching the other end to an exhaust of your choice,
efficiency increased ten fold.
Always use Insulflex heat resistant tape to attach your hose pipe
and seal up any gaps as the adhesion properties on standard tape
can be compromised by the heat from the exhaust.
More helpful advice from Optibeak coming soon.
goes to Lapland
Gapford is said to be furious after it emerged
that Jevo abandoned his post with OBH in order to chase some pipe
dream of going to Lapland to meet Santa.
The already fraught relationship between Grintle
and Jevo has been further strained today by what Gapford described
as "unacceptable insubordination". The incident came to
light when Gapford noticed that Kevo was not present during the 7am
hourly roll call in Gapford's mind.
latest actions are sure to infuriate Griboflavin in the wake of his
ban on happiness and social pursuits. It is believed that Kevo always
wanted to meet Santa and promised a crippled child that before 2015
was done he'd accomplish his goals, our insiders tell us that the
child was not crippled before meeting Kev.
an earlier statement Kev said "I'm mad into Lapland and mad
going there frequently against Gapford's wishes".
sits on chair
In the latest developments within the BN camp
insiders earlier confirmed that Cutter had sat on a chair.
With rumours of the resurgence of Backlash
2011 all but confirmed photos obtained by BNCrew.com indicate that
the Cutter is unfazed by the latest worrying developments or more
likely that he is completely unaware of the latest developments because
I just made them up there a second ago.
will remember the turbulent times of Backlash 2011 as it tore apart
the Crew and lead to several high profile deaths most notably Mr.
Squarehead, Hamhead and Gapford followed by a bloody power vacuum
in which everybody died.
however did not escape Backlash 2011 unscathed, on day 81 of the Backlash
Cutter was diagnosed with Aids and by day 82 he had succumbed to his
illness. On day 83 doctors overturned his death and stated that he
had been misdiagnosed and was in fact alive and only suffering a common
cold. When confronted with this news Cutter said to the waiting media
believed that Cutter is completely unaware that we still update BNCrew.com
with our made up shit and that even fifteen years ago he had zero
interest in it.
reached out to Gibbo for a comment but he was too busy having Aids.
The MeatBeat were a splinter group of the
BN Crew that emerged in 2001 and had faded into oblivion by 2007.
burned bright and faded fast but to remind all of those in the group,
associated with the group or who simply have tried to forget them
a sub section has been created as was the case in the very first
BN Crew website.
In yet another glaringly obvious personal
dig at Gapford Hamhead has become a doctor.
Backlash 2011 concluded Hamhead and Gapford have embarked in a bitter
game of "who's better" with Hamhead continuously baiting
Gapford by gaining more qualifications in a bid to prove that he's
a better human being.
has responded to the gloating each time with further qualifications
of his own, last month he became a fully qualified welder somehow
but this attack by Hamhead will take a lot to beat. It was confirmed
by long time Hambone ally Kid Bisto that Hambone had indeed become
a fully qualified doctor, however investigations could find no evidence
to support this claim, we reached out to Beaumont Hospital in Dublin
who could only confirm that a doctors uniform had gone missing the
same day Hambone announced his qualifications.
were unable to verify Gapford's welding qualifications but we did
establish that he purchased his welding get up rather than stole it.
flies dog like kite
With storm Desmond in full effect BN Crew
gudgeon pin Ceb took advantage by tying a string to his pet dog Rodney
and flying him like a kite.
Witness' say a great time was had by both Rodney
and Ceb until the string broke and Rodney floated off into the distance,
he is expected to return later on this evening having no idea what
happened at all or why it happened, or who he is.
brief history of the Buttnugget Crew
The BN Crew (originally The Buttnuggets) are
a rap/comedy band started in 1997 in North Dublin. The groups founding
members were Dr. Edgewild, Dr. Leo and the Psychologist Ceb.
Their first album 'Smells like white spirits' (later
re-titled 'Tippin' the cow') was recorded in the space of 14 hours
in Ceb's parents house in Glasnevin, Dublin. This was a 90 minute
psychedelic mind melter with influences from hip-hop and punk. The
equipment used was primitive CD players, tape decks and an earphone
taped to a pen as a microphone.
the album was almost entirely instrumental (with the exception of
'Wypin') the Buttnuggets would later become a hip-hop band during
the thriving years of the Dublin hip hop scene. Their first album
was described by many as being "unlistenable".
extremely poor (non existent) sales and continued substance abuse
issues by Ceb the Nuggets took a break until the year 2000 when they
made a spectacular comeback under the new name 'BN Crew'.
saw the return of the newly reformed BN Crew with what some say is
still their greatest track, 'Babykill'. Babykill also introduced one
of the new additions to the Crew, Luke. He was part of a massive new
posse the BN Crew had amassed who became known as the BN Crew All
Stars for some reason.
the year following Babykill Dr. Leo and the Psychologist Ceb spent
much of the time hanging out in the Sushi Recording studios waiting
for house parties to start so they could present their new material.
A highlight of this era was the debut of "The Rapists" at
Iano Mincers house party, this is also the only known time where females
actually danced to a BN Crew song.
the chick dancing incident productivity dwindled somewhat although
the Crew still managed to produce a second album "Where Did It
All Go Wrong". This offering was almost all hip-hop with an extremely
raw sound. The album featured a host of hidden talent within the crew
including Aido, Double B, The Muinteoir, Meanologue, Hambone and Muttonhead.
The album is credited as killing most of their music careers.
of this were also extremely poor as Ceb only made 20 copies and literally
couldn't give them away, in his own words he used most of them to
"fix a wobbly chair".
early 2006 work began on the follow up album "Clockwork Idiots",
Dr. Edgewild and Ceb laid down three tracks in one session, this was
followed by more recording sessions finally reuniting Ceb & Dr.
Leo on 'Ballsack Itchin'. Currently the album remains incomplete with
15 tracks recorded*, many of which are just Ceb having the buzz and
spitting out old school gibber jabber over self produced beats.
there are 5 recorded yet not uploaded tracks that should finalize
"Clockwork Idiots", the later sound is a relatively sample
free home grown electronic affair with the same old lyrics thrown
Crew are a band who often seem obsolete and forgotten but sporadically
churn a track or two out and every decade or so have enough material
to splice an album together, this is unlikely to change.
* The album is now complete
overthrows BN Crew
Jubilation flooded social media today when
BN Crew depression case Wisp was photographed enjoying something.
Many years have passed since any member of the
crew was happy about anything and as a result this latest development
fuels the rumour of the disintegration within the crew itself.
tell us that nobody gives a shit anyway and Ceb just cant be bothered
flogging a dead dolphin anymore and would prefer to flog his own dolphin.
That is essentially it
Crew music will always happen as long as Ceb is alive, the BN spirit
may lurk somewhere, the website itself, Meh.
Space age style toilet seat was a bit of a put off but ended up a
pretty decent experience.
Accusing eyes were present but unobtrusive. Pretty solid setup, good
availability, clean enough. A solid 3.5 rolls.
Crew - where they at?
Recently released recordings unearthed by
BNCrew.com suggest the quality of BN Crew music has actually improved
contrary to popular knowledge.
months back BNCrew.com unearthed a rare recording featuring a blast
of various tracks from the almost mythical "Tippin' The Cow"
album, following the release of this and the current sober hindsight
of some of the original members the popular belief is that the Crew
have actually improved since 1997.
"Tippin'" recording stems from a chance sharing of a "Face
off" style taxi following a Radiohead gig in 1997 between Dr.
Edgewild, Dr. Leo and Ceb, the three instantly saw common ground for
their love of cromulent music. Dr. Edgewild with his punk influence,
Dr. Leo with his soul, funk and blaxploitation and Ceb with his place
to hang out and basic knowledge of fabricating a functioning mic from
a pen and an "Apollo 1" set of earphones. The next few weeks
would see the three brain storm bouncing terrible ideas off each other
and going with them. Having been inspired by a plate of chicken nuggets
Ceb once consumed the BN (Buttnuggets) gained their name.
after this Dr. Leo attended Ceb's new found Sushi recording studio
in Griffith avenue in a bid to record some solid shit, many believe
Leo only attended the session as his mates had money and actually
wanted to have a social life, the pair were joined some hours later
by Dr. Edgewild who was bored of sitting at home and promptly went
to sleep in the 'studio'. During his slumber the pair recorded what
is arguably the most groundbreaking Irish record in history, it featured
cameos from local Dublin legend Gibney Ray who walked in and threw
a 2 pence piece at the speaker (as heard in Alcopop a slight return).
a later stage several tracks (a single track) was recorded featuring
the vocal stilling of Hambone and Double B, this track was Wypin'
which paved the way for the BN to assault the hip hop world. Toolbox
joined the gang soon after putting down chilling vocals on the hit
singles "B + Snippy" and "Black Is The Colour".
The new additions to BN became known as the BN all stars who went
on to record various tracks for the upcoming album.
all of this was compiled on to one 90 minute tape originally titled
"Tippin' The Cow" (although titled "Smells like white
spirits" on the physical tape) the world was a BN oyster, the
BN embarked on their first world tour of Dublin with the unfavourable
title of "Live Aids". The band started the tour in upper
Grizzle Avenizzle playing the tape only to themselves, this was met
with enthusiasm from themselves, they immediately traveled to lower
Grizzle Avenizzle where again they played only to themselves and possibly
a very young Gapford, still riding the fame high the band headed toward
Marino and broke out the fresh new sound and finally they concluded
the tour in North Strand, it's safe to say this was a success in their
after this the band lost interest in the band, Dr. Edgewild went on
to play the Sims for a few years, Dr. Leo went on to pretend to be
black and have soul and Ceb went on some kind of heroic drug and alcohol
binge although despite this new music had sporadically emerged on
2000 the band would return under the revised name BN Crew with the
unforgettable Babykill but have the Crew actually improved over the
years? History has all but deleted the first album from memory and
physical existence and with the only known recording being the BNCrew.com
unearthed session we asked a group of music professionals and enthusiasts
the question, they said "No", this answer has not been disputed
by any of the crew. We reached out to Gibbo for his professional comment
on the current status of the band but we couldn't quite reach him
as he was sitting a few seats down with a bag of cans.
replicant exposed due to competence
The BN world was in shock today as BN pioneer
The Bean was exposed as a sophisticated replicant.
is unknown how long the replicant has been impersonating Bean but
experts say it could be as long as 'a fair while'.
shocking revelation only came to light by chance at today's BN jamboree
in Tullamore. Well respected BN and O continuum blow in Francis Quinn
was in the expectant crowd 'We were all just waiting there to hear
from Double B when the heavens opened and the rain began. I was standing
there, mad confused and shit, just looking around probably when I
saw it. The Bean had taken shelter under a tree. Unbelievable. He
actually saw a problem and devised some kind of defense against it.
No way was that the real Bean.'
of the crowd also witnessed this un-BN behavior and became restless,
soon developing into a rain drenched mob. Knowing that a BN member
would never figure out a simple problem, they felt robbed of their
chance to see the real Bean and attacked the impostor.
we attacked him alright' recalls Francis 'He was fairly giving it
all that, claiming he was actually Bean when some lad shouted that
he must be one of those replicants, from the EU. There was only one
way to find out so we ripped him to shreds. He had all these wires
disguised as veins. An exoskeleton disguised as a regular skeleton.
Even his lubricant was red like blood. It was as perfect a replicant
as I've seen this week, I'll tell you that much for free.'
rest of the jamboree went well, with over €18 raised for this
year's chosen charity UNICEF.
Questions? Official BN biographer Rogan Josh answers your questions.
people dream of a fresh new look and ask a lot of questions about
the crew, we hope this will address all the questions you have about
us, should you have any further questions contact your fucking ma.
are the BN Crew?
are absolutely nothing.
does that even mean?
BN Crew are a group of like minded idiots, mainly from Ireland.
better. How many members of this group are there?
changes daily, people die and are resurrected fairly regularly.
What's all this music stuff about?
BN Crew sort of started as a musical group. Incredibly untalented,
they instead made up stories about being great successes and told
each other constantly, eventually believing their own lies. Over a
period of 15 years, those lies have lead to this very site and a lot
of wasted potential.
do you want from us?
lift it up and put it back down.
come one minute someone is announced as dead and the next they're
releasing a new album or something?
the members of the BN Crew actually know they are members?
majority don't. Or at least have forgotten about it long ago and moved
on with their lives. Of about 50 members, about 5 know what's going
on and fewer still even care.
of the 'news articles' seem a little far fetched. Did any of these
things actually happen?
In your fucking head.
of the articles on bncrew.com have pictures to accompany them, that
should be more than enough to prove their authenticity. Would anyone
really waste their valuable time photo shopping these images to impress
less than a dozen people?
does this site even exist?
will you guys ever release a new song or album?
at some point in the next five years although it's very likely it
will just be a remix of something old. Or just a renamed MP3 file
which is actually Radiohead's 'No Surprises'.
you think you can ever make it big?
you explain how some members seem to be just people you've met briefly
at petrol stations and stuff?
don't decide to join the BN Crew, if you display enough of the qualities
we like, you're in. Whether you like it or not.
are the qualities required to be a member of the BN Crew?
maladjustment is the only real requirement but there are plenty of
great qualities you can possess that might bring you to the attention
of the BN Crew - Depression, volatile temper, lack of patience, irritability,
whizzer, violent nature, benovo, lack of ambition, lack of anything
useful. In general, if you are a drain on the resources of all those
around you, you're only a step away from membership.
mass production plans gets green light
BN impresario Hamhead today announced that
mass production of his clones will go ahead after a successful 5 year
at the launch of yet another tell all BN book by disgraced BN child
star Toddler, Hamhead told reporters that 3 Hamhead clones had successfully
integrated into society over the last 5 years.
clones, whose identities have been protected, have been some kind
of mad 'Hi, hello, hi, how are you?' family men or something, all
now considerably more socially successful than Hamhead Original (as
he will henceforth be called) even though Hamhead Original reckons
he owns a house or something involving horses.
Original's non clone brother Kid Bisto has urged caution saying 'LaForge
remained below' for some reason.
leader Ceb, a long time supporter of the perverted scientific arts,
has also greeted the news with some concern tweeting earlier 'Keep
away from the ghost ship/pirateship7'.
Original did not specify when full production will start although
he claimed there would be over 6000 Hamheads in the greater Dublin
area by 2016.
report from the new house:
Radiator right next to the jacks which is
a plus in Winter.
Spacious and zero chance of prying eyes thanks
to frosty chocolate milkshake glass.
Pretty much your ideal situation plus a second
jacks downstairs so you can halve your shame when required.
taken by the rapture
The latest Beef within the BN Crew took a
dark turn today when BN Crew's resident depresso case, Kev, was taken
by the rapture.
bizarre incident unfolded as Kev was leaving a high powered business
lunch he attended with Gapford in a bid to tame the tensions that
had surfaced early this week between Hamhead and Kid Bisto.
Witness' described seeing light emanating from
Kev before he vanished into nothing, which is not to dissimilar to
his state previous to the incident. A shocked Gapford immediately
texted Kev but got no response or even a delivery report. Kev's fate
remains unknown at this present time but many believe that this is
exactly how he would have wanted it. Fans are said to be gathering
for various vigils throughout Dublin tonight followed by a march on
Kid Bisto's house who many believe is the cause of this, others believe
that this entire site is ridiculous.
a statement released just moments ago Gapford said "Can I offer
you my deep, deep, despair on this very bad day." A statement
which was met with muted response.
and Francis were also probably somehow involved I'd say.
BN Crew Milk Race takes place
A jubilant Gapford this morning celebrated
his second year in a row winning the annual BNCrew milk race after
a nail biting competition against Kid Beef.
It came as no surprise as Gapford beat off all
the competition in the early rounds whilst beating himself off in
the process. His closest rival The Cutter, real name Kid Wisp, was
said to display the whole gamut of emotions in the lead up to the
final, he also beat himself off in preparation.
final was held in front of a sell out crowd of two in the RDS main
hall beside some vans. In the opening 6 seconds it looked like Cutter
Kid Beef) would be the victor when he displayed never seen before
tactics of giving it the gimmick but was swiftly overtaken by the
awesome power of Gapford's abilities, the competition was over in
under 70 seconds when Cutter (real name Cutter) finally succumbed
after party was marred by scenes all to familiar in BNCrew competition
which saw both Gaplett and Cutter barfing mercilessly all over spectators
and kids alike. One witness, Gapford's Da, was quoted as saying absolutely
nothing except nodding his head in an extremely disappointed manner
and heading home, another witness was heard to remark, "this
is the lowest thing since bred bought that jar of actual piss".
courtesy of Bruiser.
Bisto appeals for calm
The newest BN Crew member, Kid Bisto, has spoken
out after two days of silence.
who joined the BN at some point against his will, spoke candidly
at a press conference of empty chairs in some hall in the RDS that
nobody gives a fuck about.
no human person was there to hear a single word, it is believed
that Bisto talked at length about growing up in the shadow of BN
legend Nervous Pervis as well as his confusing induction into the
Bisto's call for calm comes after two several days of calm, therefore
making his call irrelevant at best and idiotic at worst.
has described him as 'a chip off the old block' as well as 'a blockhead'
and 'block spam email fast'.
was available for comment but what's the point? One thing is for
sure, this will either be a massive moment in the history of the
BN Crew or absolutely nothing.
Bisto to replace Hamhead
Hamhead now wears tinted glasses to hide the tears.
Hamhead was dealt another crippling blow today
as it was announced Kid Bisto would be replacing him in every aspect
of his life both real and imagined.
The news came just days after BN Crew rival Stone
Cold Francis Quinn revealed to the world that Hamhead was battling
AIDS probably. Concerned fans have been posting messages of support
for the embattled BN Crew pin up on message boards around the world
since the revelation which Hamboner claims is merely a smear campaign
by Francis after Hamsandwich declined his offer to join the "Desks
in a straight line in the RDS Simmonscourt crew" which I just
made up there a second ago.
Kid Bisto who has been a background player in the
Crew for a few minutes now is said to be delighted with his new position
and has vowed to erase any record of Hamhead in the crew including
the mad Hamhead trademark jacket (see pic).
With tensions already high in the Crew for some
reason this latest controversy is sure to continue for as long as
we're mad into it.
was available for comment but was overshadowed by the sound of falling
exam desks thought to have been the work of Francis, when we asked
Bruiser for his feelings on the subject he told us "Yesh".
glimmer of hope for Bruiser?
The recent upturn in fortunes for BN Crew
gasbag Kev today took a turn for the worse.
Very little is known about the current mental
state of the former Mister Northside Beefcake but his friends have
expressed concern after he sent a worrying video message to other
members of the crew including his mentor Gapford.
We reached out to Gapford for comment about
the well-being of his protégé but he remained tight
lipped only telling us "Kev thinks more than Kev knows".
Fortunes have been mixed for the Bruiser lately,
in April he was voted 'Man Of The Moment' at the Wincor Nixdorf awards
however less than three minutes later he was voted 'Absolutely Nothing'
by the same people at the same award ceremony.
It is unlikely that we'll hear any more about
this particular story as this was all just to fill the empty space
beside the puzzling video.
& Lofty involved in ferry 'incident'
The pair remained in suspended animation for the
duration of the journey. Stena Line have today confirmed that the
two passengers removed by armed police in Rosslare Harbour yesterday
were famed Crew members Ceb & Lofty.
The situation unfolded on the return leg of their
book signing tour of Fishguard Harbour which reports say at least
2 people (including the hosts) attended. Staff on the ferry were made
aware of a disturbance in the toilets on deck 6 when strange noises
were reported by other travelers.
On further investigation the crew were horrified
to discover that Ceb had top decked several of the cubicles toilets
and Lofty had defecated in several locations throughout the ship including
a hand bag and a pram.
When confronted the pair became belligerent and staff were forced
to immediately trap them in suspended animation in some kind of pods
which were on board for some reason.
We reached out to the pair for their take on the
incident who were able to send us a statement they had prepared for
such an eventuality.
Former BN all star supremo Hamhead has returned
to the BN Crew.
an unexpected turn of events, Hamhead just appeared in a WhatsApp
group, having finally bought a cheap smartphone.
feels great to be embracing the digital revolution' Hamhead told the
group, 'I'll miss the fake call function but I'll enjoy being able
to shake my head at the nonsense people talk again. Hopefully this
will distract me from my life for a fair while.'
return is being seen as a major boost to the fortunes of the always
fractious BN, with some analysts (why would we even have analysts?)
saying that the Crew wouldn't see out 2015 in it's current form. (What
other form could there even be?)
news has been welcomed by most members including BN leader Ceb who
told that Brainhead lad down the Supener 'It's great to have Hamhead
back in the fold, a real thrill. I was worried he might have headed
off to the J Crew. It kept me up at nights, I don't mind telling you
time leader of BN apprentice group the All Stars, Hamhead graduated
to full BN Crew membership at some point. It was as a full member
that he really began to have a major influence in the direction of
the group somehow and for some reason.
having actually left, his return has surprised some BN members including
long time political sparring partner Lofty who told our sources 'Hamhead'.
Hamhead's comeback breathing new life into the BN as well as several
new tracks appearing, the future looks bright, at least until I
decide to write about some kind of fictional disaster that will
undoubtedly befall us.
back in the fold
One person is believed to have rejoiced
today following the news that BN Crew roustabout Hamhead was back
in the fold.
Fans and Crew alike have had limited if any contact
with Hambone in recent times following the failure of his BN Crew
takeover bid. Many believed Hamhead went into a deep depression as
a result of this however Hambone himself has claimed he had taken
time off in order to reform popular 90s band 'Colour me Badd'. This
has proved to be quite an unpopular move and as a result Hamhead has
decided to return to the BN Crew.
As with all things Hamhead none of us know how
this will play out, he could be dead by the next article or even more
alive somehow, Hamhead leads a mad turbulent life.
was available for comment but thought it best not to.
Life of Hambone - A retrospective look at a BN legend
With the sad passing of Handmedown last month,
BNCrew.com is proud to present a look at the life of one of the most
influential idiots in BN history.
The Early Years: The
Phantom first rose to prominence in 1994, a full three years before
the BN Crew would even form. He was a pioneer in leading an idiotic
lifestyle and invented many of the noises and catch phrases that today
are so popular among the worldwide BN community.
remember he had this mad bowl hairdo and kept talking about wanking'
says The Bean, a man who once tried to kill Hammer, 'and as if the
bowl wasn't enough, he was had this inane grin on his face, like some
kind of clown in a coma'.
from the beginning, Hansel would form an alliance of annoyance with
future BN star Disco Lights. 'I didn't know what to make of Hanton
at first so I figured I might as well make his life a misery for the
next 30 years. Well, I guess that won't happen now but I still visit
his grave every week and mad shake my fringe at him, the way I used
to, just in case he's watching me from down there. It's nice to know
I can still annoy him.'
would be these three years before the birth of the BN Crew that Hamhead
would meet, greet and, eventually, be beaten by Ceb 352. 'Yeah, I
remember that dickbean, he was rapid. Mad perv head on the cunt. Think
I'll dig him up after and give him a ghost attack. Ah Hamhead, where
did it all go wrong?' These three years where Hamhead, Disco and Ceb
ruled the piss stained halls of Mount Temple Comprehensive school
would come to a head in 1997 on the now infamous 'Trip to Tipp'.
Trip to Tipp: 'Hamhead
believed. In the Western Sun. He believed that it was falling down.
On everyone. That's why he is gone from us now. There'll be no shelter
here.' The exact words that Disco Lights used at Hamhead's funeral
last month, before the riot started. 1997's Trip to Tipp would see
the birth of the BN Crew as we know it. Ceb, The Bean, Disco Lights,
Doctor Edgewild and Hammer would all come out of that weekend on
a path to nothing. 'The Trip to Tipp was solid.' remembers The Bean,
'Hamhead left early and didn't do the washing up. That was when
we decided to completely ruin his life for the next 20 years. Who
knew it would only take 14? RIP. Poor Hanton. Should have washed
weekend was great' remembers Disco 'I had these glasses. They were
prescription. I needed them to see properly. But for some reason
Hamhead got all worked up about them. He kept on about them not
having two lenses and that I was only wearing them to annoy him.
I mean, who would do that?' Doctor Edgewild seems to agree that
this may have been an early warning sign 'Yeah, I remember those
prescription glasses that Kenna had. Don't know why Hamhead got
so worked up about them. Looking back now, I think we should have
realized how badly his mind was starting to suffer.' BN leader Ceb
seems to add further weight to the theory that this weekend was
the beginning of the end for Hamner 'For some reason, Hamsistor
radio insisted on lying across the back seat of a taxi. I don't
know why. There was plenty of room, I don't understand why he remembers
it differently.' It seems that Hamhead was starting to unravel like
a red and white ski jacket.
man Will Buttimer recalls ' This guy kept ringing me, like some
kind of prank calls, you know? I could hear his friends in the background
trying to stop him but he was obviously the one behind it. The other
guys were just trying to have a fun time but this Hamhead guy was
all about ruining it for everyone. That's exactly how it happened.
years of wilderness: After
the Trip to Tipp and the emergence of the BN Crew as a global powerhouse,
Hamhead found himself the leader of the BN All Stars. All Star Gaidan
remembers what it was like to serve under Hamhead 'Yeah, he was
really weird. Always calling for meetings and then demanding we
tell him why McKenna had no lenses in his glasses. Eventually, the
All Stars were absorbed into the main BN roster.
himself seemed to get more unstable as time went on. I'm kinda glad
he's dead now.' BN well wisher The Mongrel worked with Hapton 'He
was a really bizarre character. Seriously. By the time I worked
with him, the bowl haircut was gone but he kept asking me if his
bowl haircut looked OK. I eventually gave up and told him it looked
great.' It was around this time that Hamhead began to experiment
with drugs. BN drugorama Ceb recalls 'Hamhead did a bucketbomb,
we tried to stop him, didn't pressure him into it at all, but he
kept insisting. So we set one up for him, just to keep him happy
and he did it but for some reason thought that Doctor Edgewild was
think he was really struggling with life.' Around this time it is
believed that Hamhead was living out of a brightly coloured Antler
brand bag. Disco recalls an incident from their youth 'I was minding
my own business, just sitting there when I heard a scream. I ran
to help and saw Hamhead. He had a 2b pencil in one hand and there
was a young lad crying. I can't really say anymore but anyone who
bought Hamhead's solo album, Strider, will know what I'm talking
failure of this album pushed Hamcrustin to further lows. Selling
only a single copy, despite being free, the album was a disaster.
Hansolo was forced to crawl back to the BN Crew, cap in hand, to
beg for forgiveness. 'Yeah, we forgave him right away' says The
Bean 'We're not the sort of people to be stuck in the past at all.
We move on and forget what happened. Dig the Jimmy Ray, huh?' Even
though the BN Crew fought hard to keep Hamhead on the straight and
narrow, offering him support, money and even a bicycle with a lollipop
stick in it, this tragic star would eventually fall from the sky
in the most devastating of circumstances.
death of a legend: They
lined the streets of the nation's capital for miles around. From
every walk of life, from every area. Men, women and children solemnly
waiting to pay their respects to a legend. Broadcast to every corner
of the globe, the black Peugeot 306 began it's grim procession.
It lasted for about a minute before everyone headed home and the
coffin was left lying around somewhere.
a special funeral mass, the church was hijacked by BN Spiritual
leader Lofty who started a riot which would eventually cause the
deaths of over 6 billion people. Believable. The details of his
death are now notorious, taught in schools and studied in colleges
yet still, so many unanswered questions. Why did he have a pigeon
under his arm? How could he fire those shots with a gun from Time
Just what was Paul McGrath's involvement in those last hours? Why
did he choose a bench on Grizzel Avenizzel to eat that last fateful
meal? The 17th April, 2011 would forever be known as black Hanton
day. Whoa, black Hanton Ham-a-lam.
left behind a legacy. A legacy of noises. Of smells. Of making faces.
Of destroyed jacks. Of drunken nights. Of demanding satisfaction
when none was available. Hamhead was a man for all seasons. He will
be sadly missed. Until next week when he'll probably be back or
Article by Hoffman McQueen
Edgewild to build bed
The foundations of BN Supergroup 'The Windjammers'
were rocked today as news filtered in that Dr. Edgewild was planning
to build a bed.
news comes as a shock to Ceb who was the only witness to Edgewild's
Spicerack project of 2010 which he described as 'a complete success'
contrary to the opinion of literally everyone else who ever saw it
before it was somehow engulfed in flames.
is thought that the move is a direct threat to Gapford who owns a
rival furniture manufacturing business in Dublin that last year alone
produced 3 desks.
This will be the second time in a month that Edgewild
has ruffled Gapford's feathers. As we previously reported Edgewild
has been in the process of undermining gaps authority and hurting
his feelings for some time now and has support from the ever reliable
Jackstack who we tracked down to a barbecue or some bullshit to hear
his opinions on this latest declaration of war, he told us "Gapford,
web of lies, blanket of misery, bowl of deceit, ladle full of justice",
the interview was then cut short when I realized that Jackstack was
going nowhere and taking me with him.
Crew to host country bear jamboree
BN Crew members Jackstack, Quantum Steed Cube
and Francis have today unveiled plans to host a country bear jamboree
to mark the memory of BN Crew spokesperson Teddy Ruxpin who died there
a few minutes ago after a severe horsing from Kev.
Jamboree is set to feature numerous dancing bears to the music of
Wagner among others, a date has not been set but it is believed Gapford
has agreed to host the event on a pallet in his Inchicore based warehouse.
Ruxpin was a long term behind the scene collaborator with BN Crew
having penned some of the BN Crew's most memorable hits including
'Country Bear Jamboree 1', 'Country Bear Jamboree 2' and 'Country
Bear Jamboree (a slight return)'.
rose to prominence during the Backlash era of 2011 where he was a
central point in the brokering of peace between the various warring
BN Crew factions. In late 2012 he assumed the role of BN Crew spokesperson
and part time BN Crew lawyer. His tenure with the Crew was dogged
by rumours that he was in fact a Teddy and over the years his fraught
relationship with Gapford made headlines.
In a statement released following the news of his
death Gapford said "He was a fucking Teddy, fuck sake you people
need to move on, most of you have actual families and houses and shit,
I'm surrounded by half wits".
Crew release Big Beat Manifesto
Edgewild in hostile takeover bid
Relations between warring BN Crew factions
were dealt another crushing blow today when it emerged that Dr. Edgewild
has been in secret talks in a bid to take over long time ally Gapford's
has emerged that last weeks gesture of good will by Edgewild in which
he sent a pallet of identical black jumpers to Gapford's place of
work was simply a ploy to gain trust with Grindleson when in actuality
Dr. Edgewild was in secret talks with the remaining members of Gristy's
crew in a bid to overthrow their maniacal leader and seize his assets
which include some black jumpers and a few Mercedes 190 diesels, that's
It is thought since making it big with an empire
of warehouses that sell paint and glue to local vagrants Edgewild
has developed a thirst for the prawn sandwich good life and wants
to expand his business interests into Dublin and the rest of Ireland,
he was quoted as saying "demand for paint and glue is Tom Hanks
big in the emerald isle because lets face it, they're all junkies
today's revelations sources close to Gaplication say he feels betrayed
and hungry with this latest blow to his empire. It is believed that
Dr. Edgewild has since taken back the pallet of black jumpers and
sent them to some sort of militia group in the Soviet Union.
tell us that Dr. Edgewild will be flying back to Ireland on Tuesday
night for emergency talks with other BN Crew members about the fate
of Gapford's business empire and future black jumper shipments. In
an unusual move Gapford will also be collecting Edgewild from the
airport with some kind of completely unnecessary entourage.
protest at the Griefhole
Celebrations at Gapford's Griefhole were marred
last night after an unknown guest at the soiree held a dirty protest
in the main (only) bathroom.
Within minutes the focus of blame was on long time
Gapford rival and member of the prominent 'Doves of Peace' splinter
The claims were immediately denied by Jackstacks
PR guru Teddy Ruxpin who was himself accused by Gapford of being an
actual teddy and non existent.
is believed that the protest was a response to Gapford's recent happiness
although this has not been confirmed and Gapford maintains that he
is still deeply unhappy in his life. He has vowed that the response
will be swift and destructive and will probably involve retribution
toward Kev and Francis for some reason.
reached out to all of the involved parties but they were too busy
listening to fucking XMas FM.
Crew Rewind: Ennis ruined the baths for everybody
The first in our series of yearly rewind specials, prominent BN Crew
member The Ennistigator talks candidly to Rogan Josh. Below is a transcript
of an interview held in Moscow in April of this year. (2014)
Josh: 1997 was the year the BN Crew formed and is generally regarded
as a better time, a more believable time. But for you, it isn't
such a happy memory is it?
Ennistigator: No Rogan, for me it was the beginning of a very dark
chapter in my life.
Tell us why.
I was a normal guy, enjoying my teenage years. I wouldn't say I
was an angel but I wasn't a demon either. I had met some of the
BNC by this stage - Danz, Ceb, probably others - but they had yet
to really make an impact in my life. I was hanging out with a different
group of people. Good guys. I don't remember their names or anything
about them but I'm sure they do. I was particularly into Fungi the
dolphin. You remember that guy?
The tourist attraction?
Yeah, maybe to you but to me he represented freedom. The freedom
to be a dolphin, you know? All grey and shit. Just effortlessly
classy and diving around eating plankton or something.
Isn't this the same Fungi that is generally regarded as a bit of
Who isn't Rogan? He was my idol. I tried so hard to be like him.
Painted myself, got flippers and a blowhole surgically added. It
still wasn't enough. I just wasn't meant for the sea. My damn legs.
They just weren't up to it.
RJ: That's what lead you to...
...the end? Yeah, that was why I ended up in the baths that day.
Tell me about that day.
I was a regular at the Dun Laoghaire baths. Dolphin boy. That's
what they called me. I'd strap my legs up and do lengths. If I wasn't
in school, I was there. Sometimes from the minute they opened right
up to closing. Anything to bring me closer to Fungi.
But Fungi is a dickhead..
(voice raised) You don't know Fungi! Maybe he needed those fucking
wallets! Maybe those fuckers provoked him!
I'm sorry. Please, tell us about the day your life changed.
I had been swimming for about six hours. The baths were pretty busy.
Kids, families, a few familiar faces from the swimming competitions.
I was in my element. I was channelling my inner dolphin, like, really
getting in touch with what it MEANS to be a sea faring mammal.
What went wrong?
I was making a turn, it was a move I'd made a thousand times before,
standard beak to fin twist with dorsal thrust. I was about half
way through when I felt something was wrong (voice breaks), something
was very wrong.
In your own time Ennistigator.
I guess, well in hindsight, I got cocky. Usually a dolphin would
blow air out just before a beak to fin twist. This lightens the
ballast by expelling any water in his blow hole canal. I didn't.
I don't know why. I just didn't think about what I was doing.
That mistake alone wasn't enough to tip the scale of fate though,
was it Ennis?
No, it was only half of the ingredients required for my Lemon drizzle
cake of Hellish misfortune. A fat man dived in beside me. You know
the type. Jovial. Fun. The life and soul of the party. If the party
was coronary heart disease, high cholesterol and imminent death.
He displaced enough water to push me off course. I lost my bearings.
I tried to take in the extra air I should have had available but
it wasn't there thanks to my earlier mistake. Instead I inhaled
chlorinated water. Then it happened. Impact. Pain. Blackness.
A newspaper report said the following - If I may..?
Please, go ahead.
'Dun Laoghaire baths has announced it is to close after a patron
hurt his tooth slightly in a minor accident.'
Miner? He was a fucking miner? What the fuck was he swimming for?
No, minor. Not serious, unimportant.
Oh. Right. Minor? They think slightly hurting your tooth is minor?
Well, I think most people would...
Most people don't know shit RJ! How could I look in the mirror?
Knowing I was deformed like that. Knowing that my own wife and children
wouldn't recognize me.
You weren't married nor did you have children at that time.
Oh yeah? And why do you think that was? Those fucking baths! I can't
even TAKE a fucking bath now. Not after what those people did to
What about showers?
I got nothing against showers.
How did this incident bring us to the point we're at now - an emotionally
stunted man child, stealing flower bed boxes for kicks?
I was a lost soul. I was the man who closed the baths. Swimming
lessons? Gone. Water wings? Deflated. Lifeguards? Reduced to getting
jobs as fucking accountants. All. My. Fault. I was a pariah. Shops
would refuse to sell to me. 'Sorry Ennis, we're all out of milk,
why don't you swim to fucking China and get some?' I mean, it didn't
make any sense! Ireland is way more of a milk producer per capita
than China. Why China? I started living on the streets, hoping the
night would take me.
But the night didn't take you. It was the BN crew instead, who took
Where else could a man go? I'd been to the bottom of the barrel
and crashed through. What's below the bottom of the barrel? The
...and you haven't looked back since?
Like every member of the BN Crew, I'll forever be looking back Rogan.
reacts, with defiance
Troubled BN Crew hivemind Gapford has broken
his silence after today's incident which Left Francis fighting for
his life after suffering detached retinas and sphincter at the hands
of a merciless beating from Grybyn.
ago Hamhead appeared on local fictional news channel BNN reading a
somewhat bizarre prepared statement on behalf of Gapford proclaiming
his innocence, the statement read as follows:
"he'd had it coming a while to be fair, we're not in a good place,
every second Francis is allowed to ride his carousel of lies more
damage is done, I really need to buy up some land out in Wicklow and
build a defensive structure out there".
After reading this Hamhead was blinded with a hot
spoon, the reason for this Gapford explained "his eyes didn't
deserve my words".