Breaking News: Nil by choice is the latest thing we're into      -      Jake and Nog sub-plot.      -      Hamhead seizes control of BN Crew in dramatic coup.      -      Ceb seeks refuge in linen room.      -      Gapford location unknown.      -     Gapford sabotages Edgewilds X-Mas delivery.      -     Sources have confirmed: BN Crew website is ridiculous      -     Gapford kills everybody      -     Edgewild purchases ivory back scratcher      -     Hamhead purchases Edgewild      -     Edgewild enters voluntary liquidation, Hamhead rejoices      -     Hamhead files for bankruptcy     -     Kid Bisto to buy out Hamhead      -     Gapford to buy out Kid Bisto      -     Edgewild, Hamhead and Kid Bisto in suicide plot.      -     Cutter, Happy      -     Jevo expresses hope      -     Gapford expected to dash hope and happiness.      -     All the lads have kids      -     Gapford unveils plans to remove kids from lads.      -     Gibbo mistaken for walking dead.      -     Lofty arrested in sunroof shitting scandal.      -     Ceb arrested for not paying for anything for years.      -     Putin: Gapford is drunk on power.      -     Gapford: Putin is drunk.      -     Ceb: I'm drunk.      -     Gapford declares black Friday racist, creates white Wednesday.      -     Black people remove Wednesday from calendar.      -     Mallets confides in Cutter, "I was raped by a ghost".      -     Cutter to Ceb, "We need to find some new mates".      -     Gapford declares Tuesday 'Kill all of your friends day'.      -     Kid Bisto - Dead.      -     Gapford accused of manipulating media.      -     Gapford is amazing.      -     Edgewild & Sam happy.      -     Gapford angry.      -      Edgewild to collect post for Ceb.      -     Ceb wastes a lot of time on this news ticker/website.      -      President John F. Kennedy dies from wounds sustained in Dallas attack.      -      Thatcher to close Welsh mines.      -      Gapford continues hate campaign against Welsh and Australians by renting out table.      -      Kev joins a union, gets nowhere.      -      Cutter exposed as union spy, gets nowhere.      -      Gapford attacks child.      -      Child dead.      -      Ceb desecrates childs grave.      -      Mould removed from fridge.      -      Bean says something.      -      Bean's phone engaged.      -      We are an absolute joke declares Ceb after debut of three new tracks receiving zero likes on Facebook.      -      Danz receives life sentence, seems happy.      -     Lofty believed to be alive say police in Paris, presumed dead too somehow.      -     Body of BN legend JOR found in lake district, presumed wet.      -     BN Crew legend Senior goes on rampage, death toll stands at 65.      -     Jackstack contracts mystery illness, spends last hours 'heading home.'           Breaking News:  Andy Whyment releases single, then takes it back.      -     Bruiser arrested for assault, later claims it was some foreign guy.      -     Mallets changes name to Lord Mallets, Gapford, Cutter refuse to accept.      -     Hamhead once again named Big Booty Daddy.      -     The Meanalogue starts world tour, fatalities expected.           Breaking News:  Disco Lights risks wrath of the Backlash by releasing range of feminine hygiene products.      -     Bean found dead, later claims he was 'just trying to get home'.      -     Gapplication denies existence of Backlash, claims 'It is fine, everything is fine.'      -     Toolbox returns to the fold, later found out to be hallucination.      -     Well James crippled in mystery attack.           Breaking News:  Cutter takes part in mystery attack, describes it as 'rapid buzz'.      -     That guy is sound.      -     Paul E. Believably believed to be in Hungary to avoid backlash.      -     BN Kingpin Ceb still awaiting backlash, believed to be 'expecting fucking Hell.'      -     The Ennistigator claims backlash could spell the end for BNCrew, is later found dead.           Breaking News:  The Bean wins Emmy for 'Captain Cruinneas' eukener'.      -     Lorcan rushed to hospital with suspected broken pelvis, changes name to Elvis the pelvis.      -     Lofty avoiding backlash in the Legal Eagle compound.      -     Q-Ball claims backlash is related to BN Crew's violent agenda, later beats self to pulp.      -     Russell involved in multiple car pile up in own bedroom.           Breaking News:  Unihead has 41st heart attack, barely notices.      -     Peter Sheridan files for divorce, court rejects on grounds of him not being married.      -     Ex BN manager Guy Nougat offers to help his former band during this time of emergency, receives beat down from Kid Beef instead.      -     Bred suspends annual trip to Australia, goes into hiding.           Breaking News:  The Cutter claims he doesn't care about the Backlash, just wants to lift things up and put them back down.      -     Gibney Ray's mate Table still at large, in his fucking head.      -     Dylhead checks into rehab, checks out book at library.      -     Gaidan seeks advice from Muttonhead about backlash, later beats him to death.      -     Gayommie calls meeting of entire Team Sexy to discuss backlash strategy.           Breaking News:  Groover calls Gayommie gay.      -     Iano invites wrath of backlash by claiming he has risen from dead weekly since 1996.      -     The Mongrel holed up in flaming shack.      -     The Colonel Sack prepares for Backlash by growing moustache.      -     Muttonhead spotted on fire at bus stop in Leatherhead.           Breaking News:  Tim believed to have fled country after initial signs of backlash, believed to be heavily armed.      -     Moosejaw claims to be 'made of pain.'      -     The Muinteoir gives kidney back, claims one is more than enough.      -     Kate offers kidney on eBay, no reserve.      -     Rogan Josh says next book will be about the Backlash, if he survives it.           Breaking News:  The Bean pleads with nation to 'keep it real'.      -     Hoffman McQueen pays tribute to Findus Kid in bizarre Facebook message.      -     Suntan O'Connor hospitalized after by election win.           Breaking News:  Doctor Edgewild fading fast, priest summoned to hospital bed.      -     Limewad said to be fearing backlash, behavior said to be disturbingly erratic.      -     Daly has wank.      -     Beardo returns from Middle East peace talks, claims he'll 'sort it out later.'

Maynard makes his mark.
    Long time BN sympathiser Maynard this week made a big push towards full BN regulatory alignment by having a good idea.

     Following on from his part in the first ever double blow in O Continuum partnership with Doctor Edgewild, Maynard has published his December Brexit plan which consists solely of a cooking idea.

      A roast chicken, but instead of stuffing it with shite, stuffed with breaded chicken fillets from the garage.

      This idea has sent a delicious shockwave through the BN, with up to 3 people affected in some way.

     Maynard has always been a supporter of the BN but his declaration that he wanted to see the Crew turned into a cookery crew was met with violence from all members. This latest move though seeks to bring the notoriously fickle BN members on board through their love of garage chicken.

      It is believed that Doctor Edgewild is willing to support Maynard in any of his plans thanks to his chicken related idea. Other BN lead weights are less supportive with The Toecutter quoted 'That's fucking ridiculous. Good idea though'.

Did you know:
If you play BN Crew's 'The Renegade Binmen' backwards you'll hear BN Crew's 'The Renegade Binmen' backwards.

Check out BN Crew's 'Childs Pants Highway', it's garbage.
    Another addition to the Trip Into Uncle-D's Dream, this one needs no explaination, nor does it deserve one.

Listen to BN Crew's 'Gap's Dream (The Onion Mysteries remix)'
    Check it out, it's the incredibly depressing 'Gap's Dream (The Onion Mysteries remix)', there is literally nothing good about it. It features no samples all homegrown noise with the vocal skills of Dr. Edgewild and inspired by the stainless steel dream AKA Gapford's life. It serves as a follow up to the incredible 'You Can Hire' that was listened to by three people a few years ago.


Pair of shoes, bicycle, socks, football, treadmill, pedalboat, ladder, orienteering map and foot spa. Reluctant sale due to Fairview Park.
Contact: Guido Nasi.

Gapford adds Callely to expand powerbase.
    Former (or possibly current, I can't remember) BN Crew leader Gapford today made moves to add to his powerbase by bringing Ivor Callely into the fold.

    Folio ring binder.

    In a move that experts are calling 'a move', Gapford believes that Callely's experience of clenching his jaw and having fairly white hair could be enough to propel him back to the main stage of whatever it is I'm talking about.

    Uninvolved BN all star legend Disco Lights was unavailable for comment but commented that he was delighted to be involved.

    Described as a 'solid addition', Callely will hope that he lasts longer than other flavours of the month including That Guy and Nice jacket, on your dog. Naff Co 54.

Your July Starsign With Mystic Edgewild (Only valid for a few minutes in 2001)
     You have cancer. You haven't got much time left. Why are you wasting it with the BNCREW?
To find out more visit Mystic Edgewild's page, click here.

Fintec brings it out:
     BN Crew's resident manic mechanic today shocked the motor sports world by bringing a Peugeot 106 out to John Murphy while a stage of the World Rally Championship was in progress.

     Overtaking Sebastian Loeb in a manoeuvre the French driver described as 'fucking YEAH!', FintecB16a managed to somehow clip the side of Loeb's Citroen Xsara, causing him to kill several thousand spectators.

     Fintec himself was believed to be heading to Murphy's to 'Drive her on' but stumbled across the rally stage and decided to 'drive her on anyway'.

     Rally organisers described the incident as 'minor'
and the families of the dead spectators are believed to have accepted Citroen T shirts in place of their dead relatives. Fintec himself later traded in the Peugeot for a Kawasaki from California.

Listen to BN Crew's 'Veneer Heroes'
    This track actually sounds almost like music, it's 'Veneer Heroes', no samples just home grown crap on this one, it's not hip-hop either, it's some kind of ambient, piano type thing. Get it into you!.


Dr. Edgewild's surgery - The Doctor is in.

Dear Doctor EdgeWild,
     I am a 26 year old male who has been a long time sufferer from premature ejaculation. Most recently, I was set up on a blind date and as I was preparing my emergency Rohypnol pocket cloth, I shot off all over the TV. What should I do? Is there some sort of surgery I could get, maybe a nozzle or valve insertion of some kind?
Yours spunkfully,
Spunkfish, Dublin.

     This is a classic case of sexually manifested mental trauma. Track down everyone who has ever wronged you and murder them. You will soon see an improvement and maybe even be able to last three or four minutes.

Dear Doctor EdgeWild,
     I am a female BN fan and at a recent gig I was invited backstage to the after show party. I became sexually involved with several...

Cutter storms stage at Olympia 2011:

     BN head of everything The Cutter last night stormed the stage at the 2011 Mr. Olympia contest in Las Vegas, Nevada.

     Kid Test was said to be visibly agitated throughout the evening as he sat in the honoured guests section.

     Shortly before the headline category of the evening's competition, Kid Yeah pushed past several security
guards and made his way to the stage. Interrupting actor Charlie Sheen, he took the microphone from the shamed 'Two and a half men' star and proceeded to run down the competition, asking judges if they really expected him to stay out of the gym for over two hours.

     Security eventally ushered Kid Rodney to an exit where it is believed he was driven away by a waiting Derek 'Firestorm' Collins.

     Unconfirmed reports then placed The Toecutter at several 24 hour gyms in the Las Vegas area before some other stuff probably happened.

     Upon his return to Ireland, Kid Beef gave a rare interview to waiting journalists where he said "That was gay."

Death of a legend: The first cut is the deepest.
     The very first casualty of the BN Crew uncivil war has now been confirmed.

Mr. Square Head is dead.

     Despite communications being problematic, tributes have poured in to from both sides of the divide. Here are just a few of them in tributes to the great man.

"No other BN Crew member has even come close to his contribution to BN life. Member for an hour, legend for a lifetime." - Lord Mallets.

"I formed the Doves of Peace on the strength of his character. If only his body been as strong, he might have survived the services blast." - G Man."When I think BN Crew, I think Mr. Square Head." - Peter Mandleson.

"The guy is a legend. It is the blackest day in the history of this crew. I just don't know how we go on from here." - Disco Lights.

"It was just so square." - Doctor EdgeWild.

"I always cower in fear but since he's been gone, I've cowered fifteen per cent harder."- Rodney.

"I'm not sure if this war will eventually tear us apart but the soul of the BN Crew has already died." - JackStack Whyte.

"It could fit into a box like a dream. Zero packing foam, zero." - Derek 'Firestorm' Collins.

New faction aims to stem the tide of war in the BN Crew
     A new faction has emerged today from the smouldering embers of unrest seeking to pour some kind of non flammable gimmick onto the fires of Hell that could be the BN Crew Uncivil War (tm 2012).

     After Ceb's vicious beating last week, both sides appear to have set the war machine in motion, not dissimilar to slowly pushing a small child's toy along a gently sloping gradient.

     The new faction, calling themselves the Doves of Peace, have been set up by G Money, saying today 'War is Hell. My life is Hell. You don't need this shit in your fucking head.'

     G Money has brought Mr. Square Head into his faction and sees him as the only man who can reverse the decision made for war sparked by the savage, and fully deserved, beating of resistance leader Ceb. 'I've known him for a matter of moments and have full confidence that he is capable of doing something or other'.

     The resistance, lead currently by the highly inept Doctor Edgewild, is
believed to be skeptical and tired.

     Leader of the BN Crew Hamhead has yet to confirm that he will listen to the Doves of Peace but has previously appointed an avian to his cabinet when he named his pigeon 'Stamply' as BNC general treasurer.

Hamhead appoints Muttonhead to senior cabinet position.
    BN leader Hamhead has named long suffering BN life sentence Muttonhead to his cabinet as Minister for Crimean Affairs.

The Ham/Mutton axis has long been a force in the BN Crew even though I literally thought of it there about 5 minutes ago.

Since Hamhead took control of the BN news from within the crew has slowed to a trickle. Some commentators attribute this to Hamhead's 'Iron Fist in the Velvet Glove' policy although there is a growing movement suggesting we just lost interest for a bit and nobody noticed.

Mutton is expected to not really notice his new position and there will either be far reaching, wide ranging changes or everything will just stay the same.

Muttonhead has long supported Hamhead and is widely believed to have been behind the Donnybrook Massacre in 2009 when over 6000 people were slaughtered in a Sony shop.

BN all star leader (probably) Gaidan has gone on record to say 'This is a thing that is happening to us right now. Not tomorrow.'

Jackstack nails his colours to the mast
    Jackstack Whyte has become the first BN Crew member to officially endorse Hamhead's leadership.
Putting his head above the parapet, Jackner said 'I, for one, welcome our new Hamhead overlord', the first time Jackstack has endorsed anything in any way.

Almost a week after the violent leadership coup, he is the first high ranking member to publicly pledge his support because I haven't been bothered to write anything else so far.

Hamhead himself has been quiet and also loud somehow, probably drunkenly demanding satisfaction in the back seat of a Cinquecento.

Hamhead seizes control of BN Crew in bloody coup
    Ceb's 20 year leadership of the BN Crew ended today as former All Star leader Hamhead completed a shocking coup to assume control.

    Gunfire was heard in the early hours of this morning from Ceb's Rosslare compound, where the now deposed leader has been sealed for almost 6 years now. The timeline of events is yet to become clear but it is believed several high ranking BN members have died.

    The shocking turn of events has taken everyone by surprise after an unusually quiet few months for the BN Crew. It now seems that Hamhead has been using this time to plan his bloody overthrow of the man who first promoted him to full BN status.

    Early reports suggest that Hamhead was aided by long term ally Disco Lights, who is now seemingly the Lieutenant General of the Crew. Others said to be involved in Hamhead's early morning attack were Bisto and Francis, On Ceb's side, it is believed that Toddler and Beardo were both in the compound at the time of the attack and are now missing, suspected dead. It is not known why the two highly ranking BMS/BN members were present at the time but some commentators suggest this may have been known to Hamhead.

At this early stage, it's unknown if Ceb himself is alive but Hamhead has moved quickly to replace every CZW Renault with a Peugeot, a move that most people are calling 'reliable'. In a very public declaration of his new regime, Hamhead has also torn down the CZW sign, replacing it with a sign saying Scatternagh II.

The death toll for the daring dawn raid is as yet unknown but bodies were spotted by a news station helicopter which was later shot at by Hamhead's shock troops, as the compound was once again locked down.

More on this breaking news story will appear on whenever I feel like it.

First Footage Of Hamhead Coup Emerges
    Shocking footage has emerged of the bloody coup which saw Hamhead forcefully seize control of the BN Crew from the ruddy claws of Ceb
    Early reports say that the deposed leader has not been captured but sources close to Hamhead say it's only a matter of time until Ceb is in custody and forced to answer for his actions. Representatives for Handlebar have said that any allies found to be harbouring Ceb would face to full wrath of Hamhead justice, they would also probably be raped by a ghost.

Kid Bisto in blimp shame
    The BN Crew today changed it's name to the Blimp-N Crew in honour of Kid Bisto's new job as a blimp minder.

The temporary change, which is expected to last as long as it takes to write this article, was inspired when Kid Bisto informed the BN elders of his new job, minding a blimp for some reason.

'I'm minding a blimp for some reason' said a clearly distressed and annoyed Kid Blimpo.

This latest bombshell brings the level of employment in the BN to a staggering 55%, although that number drops significantly to 10% when the O Continuum employment is taken out.

Spokesperson for the O Continuum Gapford said 'Q the miserable, Q the desperate! What must I do to convince you people?' which many believe to be linked to the Industries Hall in some way.

Blimp it up and put it back down.

Photoshop skills, in full effect

BN restructuring sees the rise of the Enemaniacs
    The new year has brought yet another restructuring of the clearly already failed BN Crew.

    Among the major, yet unimportant, changes sees the formation of new splinter group the Enemaniacs.

    The group will replace the popular Wet Bandits, although they will still be mentioned whenever needed as if today's incredibly useless restructuring never happened.

    The Enemaniacs will consist of Ruddy J, Doctor Edgewild, Kid Bisto and Hamhead for some reason. This latest BN restructuring seems to make everyone feel better about the fact that we don't do or achieve anything, in any way. BN enforcer Kid Beef was unavailable for comment, nor did anyone ask, although it is presumed he doesn't approve of this move.

Johnny Durex And The Condominium to reform
     In the wake of Gapford announcing his intention to reform the MeatBeat BN Crew enhancement talent Lofty today announced his desire to reform his band Johnny Durex and the Condominium.

JD and the C had a string of number 1s in the late nineties but faded into obscurity due to the members forgetting they were in a band. Their last appearance was at Fistinvarna 2001 where they mesmerized the crowd with a blistering 5 hour set after which the drummer Hamhead died. At a press conference the following week Hamhead announced the band would no longer be recording or touring. Their fate was then sealed when lead singer Lofty was crippled from the neck down following a horrific cycling accident in Wexford (left).

This is the latest in a long list of revivals within BN Crew that began with the reformation of the Wild Geese, the Leo Crowley Players and Gapford's repeated attempts to reform his beloved MeatBeat.

Gapford leaves BN Crew, joins The Wipers
    BN Crew was left stunned today following the announcement that long time Crew member Gapford was to leave the BN Crew and join rival faction 'The Wipers'.

The announcement was made while Gapford was propping up the bar in his fictional night club to fictional listeners.

BN Crew claim they had no prior knowledge of this move despite Gapford stating 'We're with the wipers' on an extremely regular basis for some years now. When questioned about the puzzling statement Ceb told us "I thought it was just one of those things we were mad into saying all the time, I thought nothing of it, I even joined in most of the time."

This latest blow for BN comes just weeks after Jackstack parted company with the Crew in a bid to make something of his life, he has not been heard from since.

It is unclear what the next move for the BN Crew will be although naturalizing 'The Wipers' should be high on their priority.

Update: Gapford rejoined BN Crew there a minute ago releasing the following statement "Don't promote them, don't bring them to my games."

Trump blasts BN Crew
    White House hopeful Donald Trump today put BN Crew on blast in what appears to be another popularity boosting effort.

The mentally unstable man began by taking a shot at Jackstack claiming that Stack himself was guilty of future bullying, he then moved on to berate Dr. Leo saying "he's not so tough with his beard".

BN Crew responded by sending Trump an autographed copy of clockwork Idiots, a sexually explicit poster of Gibney Ray and a clotheshorse.

"First Muslims now us, what's next? the Romulons? Roegner?" the Crew said during their hourly address to the nation.

It is believed that this is the first and last we'll see of this topic as the article was only written to compliment the Photoshop effort.

BN Crew - What the stars say about the crew...
"I firmly believe that the BN crew and their all-stars are the fathers of modern music. After hearing 'Tippin' the cow', I was hooked. I sold all my possessions and became a roadie on their infamous "Got Violence?" tour."
- Sir Paul McCartney, ridiculously over-rated.
"I like children more than you might think."
- Michael Jackson, dangerous.
"When a homie played the single 'Christmas Log' at a party, I was instantly converted. It was then that I realised my music was rubbish and I instantly stopped making it. Word."
- Coolio, black guy.
"When the whole word was against me, the BN were the only ones who understood. They were there for me and took me in and let me tour with them. I still don't know why they blamed me for the whole September 11 thing but I suppose thats life. Thank Allah for the BNC."
- Osama Bin Laden, beard wearer.
"The single 'Vintage' woke me up when a car drove by with it blaring from the speakers. I instantly clawed my way to the surface and resumed my life as if nothing had ever happened."
- Freddie Mercury, Under some pressure.
"My immediate concern was the children but the BN assured me that I was stupid and beat me to within an inch of my life. That sealed the deal for me. The BN seriously hurt me."
- Gary Barlow, failure.
"I've had so much surgery on my face, all music sounds like noise to me but the BN were different as they raided my home and threatened to come back for bubbles."
- Michael Jackson, crutch-user.
"The BNC are poets. Plain and simple. If you can show me a better group of lyricists then I'll show you those naked pictures of me I'm always talking about."
- Tom Jones, old man.
"Buy our CDs and caps and shit or we'll get you."
- Edgewild, misunderstood genius.

Mallets raped by ghost
    BN Crew was rocked today following revelations that splinter group member Malapeno had been raped.

By a ghost.

   The revelation has come as a shock to many of the crew although it has been reported that some of his closer friends were aware of the situation for some time.

   It is believed that the incident took place in 2001 in a sub-HQ of the BN Crew in North Dublin. At the time Malapeno confided in several MeatBeat members but the revelation was met with disbelief followed by laughter, at the time Cutter remarked "we need to find some new mates".

   A report was filed with an Garda Siochana who instantly dismissed it as being utter nonsense and charged Malapeno for wasting police time, he was later transported for a psychiatric evaluation which proved inconclusive.

   At the time of the attack mallets explained "I was just lying in my bed trying to get to sleep and next minute I felt HIM laying on top of me and going uhhhhhhhh" while thrusting his groin to visually illustrate his story.

The incident is not thought to be directly connected to the north Dublin serial homosexual ghost rapist attacks of the late nineties which effected 4 out of every 5 males.

     Jacks report - Some hotel in Dortmund.
Feels a little like a tomb or even coffin but surprisingly warm and plain. An accusing eye count of zero means 3 rolls.

Fears grow for Ceb
    Fears are growing for the mental health of BN Crew mainstay Ceb after worrying pictures of the embattled star surfaced online.

Having spent much of the last several years in treatment for various mental disorders it appears Ceb has hit rock bottom. Several pictures have been leaked to various media outlets which appear to show Ceb in some kind of facial peril.

Concerns were raised by several prominent BN Crew members in recent times regarding the mental stability of their band mate with Gapford stating "BN Crew are a group of men so absorbed by their own rhetoric something something something", in another statement made by Dr. Edgewild that appears to echo the sentiments of Gapford Edgewild said "Talking, that's why I'm talking" in a mad Norwich accent for some reason.

Hamhead too is said to be concerned but also impressed by Ceb's new repertoire of hilarious faces, In a statement given to he said "He's fucking 34 and has a kid!"

     Having studied mechanics under Coronation Streets Kevin Webster is proud to present Master Mechanic and resident BN Crew monoxide advisor Optibeak.

    Every week Optibeak will share his insider tips with you on how to get more monoxide from your motor and job yourself out in a quicker more efficient manner.

Turning the mixture screw on the carburetor will enrichen the mixture giving you more M.

Plugging the coolant temperature sensor out will make your car think its cold as a result will produve more M

Closing the gap on the spark plugs will stop fuel efficiently being burnt, sending unburned fuel out the exhaust causing DEATH

Plugging out the oxygen sensor will confuse the ECU into thinking the engine is not getting enough fuel therefore richening the M mixture out of control.

Why not replace your existing catalytic converter with a de-cat pipe, this will guarantee much more M in the lungs.

Why not just buy a motorbike helmet, drill a hole in the top, insert your hose pipe, attaching the other end to an exhaust of your choice, efficiency increased ten fold.

Always use Insulflex heat resistant tape to attach your hose pipe and seal up any gaps as the adhesion properties on standard tape can be compromised by the heat from the exhaust.

More helpful advice from Optibeak coming soon.


Kev goes to Lapland
    Gapford is said to be furious after it emerged that Jevo abandoned his post with OBH in order to chase some pipe dream of going to Lapland to meet Santa.

   The already fraught relationship between Grintle and Jevo has been further strained today by what Gapford described as "unacceptable insubordination". The incident came to light when Gapford noticed that Kevo was not present during the 7am hourly roll call in Gapford's mind.

These latest actions are sure to infuriate Griboflavin in the wake of his ban on happiness and social pursuits. It is believed that Kevo always wanted to meet Santa and promised a crippled child that before 2015 was done he'd accomplish his goals, our insiders tell us that the child was not crippled before meeting Kev.

In an earlier statement Kev said "I'm mad into Lapland and mad going there frequently against Gapford's wishes".

Cutter sits on chair
    In the latest developments within the BN camp insiders earlier confirmed that Cutter had sat on a chair.

    With rumours of the resurgence of Backlash 2011 all but confirmed photos obtained by indicate that the Cutter is unfazed by the latest worrying developments or more likely that he is completely unaware of the latest developments because I just made them up there a second ago.

Some will remember the turbulent times of Backlash 2011 as it tore apart the Crew and lead to several high profile deaths most notably Mr. Squarehead, Hamhead and Gapford followed by a bloody power vacuum in which everybody died.

Cutter however did not escape Backlash 2011 unscathed, on day 81 of the Backlash Cutter was diagnosed with Aids and by day 82 he had succumbed to his illness. On day 83 doctors overturned his death and stated that he had been misdiagnosed and was in fact alive and only suffering a common cold. When confronted with this news Cutter said to the waiting media circus "What?".

It's believed that Cutter is completely unaware that we still update with our made up shit and that even fifteen years ago he had zero interest in it.

We reached out to Gibbo for a comment but he was too busy having Aids.

Remembering the MeatBeat
    The MeatBeat were a splinter group of the BN Crew that emerged in 2001 and had faded into oblivion by 2007.

They burned bright and faded fast but to remind all of those in the group, associated with the group or who simply have tried to forget them a sub section has been created as was the case in the very first BN Crew website.

MeatBeat - We meet you, then we beat you.

Check out the tribute Here

Hamhead - "I'm better than Gapford"
    In yet another glaringly obvious personal dig at Gapford Hamhead has become a doctor.

Since Backlash 2011 concluded Hamhead and Gapford have embarked in a bitter game of "who's better" with Hamhead continuously baiting Gapford by gaining more qualifications in a bid to prove that he's a better human being.

Gapford has responded to the gloating each time with further qualifications of his own, last month he became a fully qualified welder somehow but this attack by Hamhead will take a lot to beat. It was confirmed by long time Hambone ally Kid Bisto that Hambone had indeed become a fully qualified doctor, however investigations could find no evidence to support this claim, we reached out to Beaumont Hospital in Dublin who could only confirm that a doctors uniform had gone missing the same day Hambone announced his qualifications.

We were unable to verify Gapford's welding qualifications but we did establish that he purchased his welding get up rather than stole it.

Your move Ham-Sandwich.

Ceb flies dog like kite
    With storm Desmond in full effect BN Crew gudgeon pin Ceb took advantage by tying a string to his pet dog Rodney and flying him like a kite.

    Witness' say a great time was had by both Rodney and Ceb until the string broke and Rodney floated off into the distance, he is expected to return later on this evening having no idea what happened at all or why it happened, or who he is.

A brief history of the Buttnugget Crew
    The BN Crew (originally The Buttnuggets) are a rap/comedy band started in 1997 in North Dublin. The groups founding members were Dr. Edgewild, Dr. Leo and the Psychologist Ceb.

    Their first album 'Smells like white spirits' (later re-titled 'Tippin' the cow') was recorded in the space of 14 hours in Ceb's parents house in Glasnevin, Dublin. This was a 90 minute psychedelic mind melter with influences from hip-hop and punk. The equipment used was primitive CD players, tape decks and an earphone taped to a pen as a microphone.

Although the album was almost entirely instrumental (with the exception of 'Wypin') the Buttnuggets would later become a hip-hop band during the thriving years of the Dublin hip hop scene. Their first album was described by many as being "unlistenable".

Following extremely poor (non existent) sales and continued substance abuse issues by Ceb the Nuggets took a break until the year 2000 when they made a spectacular comeback under the new name 'BN Crew'.

2000 saw the return of the newly reformed BN Crew with what some say is still their greatest track, 'Babykill'. Babykill also introduced one of the new additions to the Crew, Luke. He was part of a massive new posse the BN Crew had amassed who became known as the BN Crew All Stars for some reason.

In the year following Babykill Dr. Leo and the Psychologist Ceb spent much of the time hanging out in the Sushi Recording studios waiting for house parties to start so they could present their new material. A highlight of this era was the debut of "The Rapists" at Iano Mincers house party, this is also the only known time where females actually danced to a BN Crew song.

Following the chick dancing incident productivity dwindled somewhat although the Crew still managed to produce a second album "Where Did It All Go Wrong". This offering was almost all hip-hop with an extremely raw sound. The album featured a host of hidden talent within the crew including Aido, Double B, The Muinteoir, Meanologue, Hambone and Muttonhead. The album is credited as killing most of their music careers.

Sales of this were also extremely poor as Ceb only made 20 copies and literally couldn't give them away, in his own words he used most of them to "fix a wobbly chair".

In early 2006 work began on the follow up album "Clockwork Idiots", Dr. Edgewild and Ceb laid down three tracks in one session, this was followed by more recording sessions finally reuniting Ceb & Dr. Leo on 'Ballsack Itchin'. Currently the album remains incomplete with 15 tracks recorded*, many of which are just Ceb having the buzz and spitting out old school gibber jabber over self produced beats.

Currently there are 5 recorded yet not uploaded tracks that should finalize "Clockwork Idiots", the later sound is a relatively sample free home grown electronic affair with the same old lyrics thrown over it.

BN Crew are a band who often seem obsolete and forgotten but sporadically churn a track or two out and every decade or so have enough material to splice an album together, this is unlikely to change.
* The album is now complete

Happiness overthrows BN Crew
    Jubilation flooded social media today when BN Crew depression case Wisp was photographed enjoying something.

    Many years have passed since any member of the crew was happy about anything and as a result this latest development fuels the rumour of the disintegration within the crew itself.

Sources tell us that nobody gives a shit anyway and Ceb just cant be bothered flogging a dead dolphin anymore and would prefer to flog his own dolphin. That is essentially it

BN Crew music will always happen as long as Ceb is alive, the BN spirit may lurk somewhere, the website itself, Meh.

     Cambridge Services A14:
Space age style toilet seat was a bit of a put off but ended up a pretty decent experience.

Accusing eyes were present but unobtrusive. Pretty solid setup, good availability, clean enough. A solid 3.5 rolls.

BN Crew - where they at?
    Recently released recordings unearthed by suggest the quality of BN Crew music has actually improved contrary to popular knowledge.

   Some months back unearthed a rare recording featuring a blast of various tracks from the almost mythical "Tippin' The Cow" album, following the release of this and the current sober hindsight of some of the original members the popular belief is that the Crew have actually improved since 1997.

   The "Tippin'" recording stems from a chance sharing of a "Face off" style taxi following a Radiohead gig in 1997 between Dr. Edgewild, Dr. Leo and Ceb, the three instantly saw common ground for their love of cromulent music. Dr. Edgewild with his punk influence, Dr. Leo with his soul, funk and blaxploitation and Ceb with his place to hang out and basic knowledge of fabricating a functioning mic from a pen and an "Apollo 1" set of earphones. The next few weeks would see the three brain storm bouncing terrible ideas off each other and going with them. Having been inspired by a plate of chicken nuggets Ceb once consumed the BN (Buttnuggets) gained their name.

   Shortly after this Dr. Leo attended Ceb's new found Sushi recording studio in Griffith avenue in a bid to record some solid shit, many believe Leo only attended the session as his mates had money and actually wanted to have a social life, the pair were joined some hours later by Dr. Edgewild who was bored of sitting at home and promptly went to sleep in the 'studio'. During his slumber the pair recorded what is arguably the most groundbreaking Irish record in history, it featured cameos from local Dublin legend Gibney Ray who walked in and threw a 2 pence piece at the speaker (as heard in Alcopop a slight return).

At a later stage several tracks (a single track) was recorded featuring the vocal stilling of Hambone and Double B, this track was Wypin' which paved the way for the BN to assault the hip hop world. Toolbox joined the gang soon after putting down chilling vocals on the hit singles "B + Snippy" and "Black Is The Colour". The new additions to BN became known as the BN all stars who went on to record various tracks for the upcoming album.

Once all of this was compiled on to one 90 minute tape originally titled "Tippin' The Cow" (although titled "Smells like white spirits" on the physical tape) the world was a BN oyster, the BN embarked on their first world tour of Dublin with the unfavourable title of "Live Aids". The band started the tour in upper Grizzle Avenizzle playing the tape only to themselves, this was met with enthusiasm from themselves, they immediately traveled to lower Grizzle Avenizzle where again they played only to themselves and possibly a very young Gapford, still riding the fame high the band headed toward Marino and broke out the fresh new sound and finally they concluded the tour in North Strand, it's safe to say this was a success in their own minds.

Immediately after this the band lost interest in the band, Dr. Edgewild went on to play the Sims for a few years, Dr. Leo went on to pretend to be black and have soul and Ceb went on some kind of heroic drug and alcohol binge although despite this new music had sporadically emerged on

In 2000 the band would return under the revised name BN Crew with the unforgettable Babykill but have the Crew actually improved over the years? History has all but deleted the first album from memory and physical existence and with the only known recording being the unearthed session we asked a group of music professionals and enthusiasts the question, they said "No", this answer has not been disputed by any of the crew. We reached out to Gibbo for his professional comment on the current status of the band but we couldn't quite reach him as he was sitting a few seats down with a bag of cans.

Bean replicant exposed due to competence
    The BN world was in shock today as BN pioneer The Bean was exposed as a sophisticated replicant.

    It is unknown how long the replicant has been impersonating Bean but experts say it could be as long as 'a fair while'.

    This shocking revelation only came to light by chance at today's BN jamboree in Tullamore. Well respected BN and O continuum blow in Francis Quinn was in the expectant crowd 'We were all just waiting there to hear from Double B when the heavens opened and the rain began. I was standing there, mad confused and shit, just looking around probably when I saw it. The Bean had taken shelter under a tree. Unbelievable. He actually saw a problem and devised some kind of defense against it. No way was that the real Bean.'

Several of the crowd also witnessed this un-BN behavior and became restless, soon developing into a rain drenched mob. Knowing that a BN member would never figure out a simple problem, they felt robbed of their chance to see the real Bean and attacked the impostor.

'Yeah, we attacked him alright' recalls Francis 'He was fairly giving it all that, claiming he was actually Bean when some lad shouted that he must be one of those replicants, from the EU. There was only one way to find out so we ripped him to shreds. He had all these wires disguised as veins. An exoskeleton disguised as a regular skeleton. Even his lubricant was red like blood. It was as perfect a replicant as I've seen this week, I'll tell you that much for free.'

The rest of the jamboree went well, with over €18 raised for this year's chosen charity UNICEF.

Any Questions? Official BN biographer Rogan Josh answers your questions.
Many people dream of a fresh new look and ask a lot of questions about the crew, we hope this will address all the questions you have about us, should you have any further questions contact your fucking ma.
Who are the BN Crew?
We are absolutely nothing.
What does that even mean?
It means THIS!
The BN Crew are a group of like minded idiots, mainly from Ireland.
That's better. How many members of this group are there?
It changes daily, people die and are resurrected fairly regularly.
Right. What's all this music stuff about?
The BN Crew sort of started as a musical group. Incredibly untalented, they instead made up stories about being great successes and told each other constantly, eventually believing their own lies. Over a period of 15 years, those lies have lead to this very site and a lot of wasted potential.
What do you want from us?
To lift it up and put it back down.
How come one minute someone is announced as dead and the next they're releasing a new album or something?
That's life.
Do the members of the BN Crew actually know they are members?
The majority don't. Or at least have forgotten about it long ago and moved on with their lives. Of about 50 members, about 5 know what's going on and fewer still even care.
Some of the 'news articles' seem a little far fetched. Did any of these things actually happen?
Yeah. In your fucking head.
Excuse me?
Most of the articles on have pictures to accompany them, that should be more than enough to prove their authenticity. Would anyone really waste their valuable time photo shopping these images to impress less than a dozen people?
Why does this site even exist?
Chronic unemployment.
When will you guys ever release a new song or album?
Probably at some point in the next five years although it's very likely it will just be a remix of something old. Or just a renamed MP3 file which is actually Radiohead's 'No Surprises'.
Do you think you can ever make it big?
Tom Hanks BIG.
Can you explain how some members seem to be just people you've met briefly at petrol stations and stuff?
You don't decide to join the BN Crew, if you display enough of the qualities we like, you're in. Whether you like it or not.
What are the qualities required to be a member of the BN Crew?
Social maladjustment is the only real requirement but there are plenty of great qualities you can possess that might bring you to the attention of the BN Crew - Depression, volatile temper, lack of patience, irritability, whizzer, violent nature, benovo, lack of ambition, lack of anything useful. In general, if you are a drain on the resources of all those around you, you're only a step away from membership.

Hamhead mass production plans gets green light
    BN impresario Hamhead today announced that mass production of his clones will go ahead after a successful 5 year trial.

Speaking at the launch of yet another tell all BN book by disgraced BN child star Toddler, Hamhead told reporters that 3 Hamhead clones had successfully integrated into society over the last 5 years.

The clones, whose identities have been protected, have been some kind of mad 'Hi, hello, hi, how are you?' family men or something, all now considerably more socially successful than Hamhead Original (as he will henceforth be called) even though Hamhead Original reckons he owns a house or something involving horses.

Hamhead Original's non clone brother Kid Bisto has urged caution saying 'LaForge remained below' for some reason.

BN leader Ceb, a long time supporter of the perverted scientific arts, has also greeted the news with some concern tweeting earlier 'Keep away from the ghost ship/pirateship7'.

Hamhead Original did not specify when full production will start although he claimed there would be over 6000 Hamheads in the greater Dublin area by 2016.

     Jax report from the new house:
     Radiator right next to the jacks which is a plus in Winter.

     Spacious and zero chance of prying eyes thanks to frosty chocolate milkshake glass.

     Pretty much your ideal situation plus a second jacks downstairs so you can halve your shame when required.

Kev taken by the rapture
    The latest Beef within the BN Crew took a dark turn today when BN Crew's resident depresso case, Kev, was taken by the rapture.

    The bizarre incident unfolded as Kev was leaving a high powered business lunch he attended with Gapford in a bid to tame the tensions that had surfaced early this week between Hamhead and Kid Bisto.

    Witness' described seeing light emanating from Kev before he vanished into nothing, which is not to dissimilar to his state previous to the incident. A shocked Gapford immediately texted Kev but got no response or even a delivery report. Kev's fate remains unknown at this present time but many believe that this is exactly how he would have wanted it. Fans are said to be gathering for various vigils throughout Dublin tonight followed by a march on Kid Bisto's house who many believe is the cause of this, others believe that this entire site is ridiculous.

    In a statement released just moments ago Gapford said "Can I offer you my deep, deep, despair on this very bad day." A statement which was met with muted response.

Jackstack and Francis were also probably somehow involved I'd say.

Annual BN Crew Milk Race takes place
    A jubilant Gapford this morning celebrated his second year in a row winning the annual BNCrew milk race after a nail biting competition against Kid Beef.

    It came as no surprise as Gapford beat off all the competition in the early rounds whilst beating himself off in the process. His closest rival The Cutter, real name Kid Wisp, was said to display the whole gamut of emotions in the lead up to the final, he also beat himself off in preparation.

The final was held in front of a sell out crowd of two in the RDS main hall beside some vans. In the opening 6 seconds it looked like Cutter (real name Kid Beef) would be the victor when he displayed never seen before tactics of giving it the gimmick but was swiftly overtaken by the awesome power of Gapford's abilities, the competition was over in under 70 seconds when Cutter (real name Cutter) finally succumbed to defeat.

The after party was marred by scenes all to familiar in BNCrew competition which saw both Gaplett and Cutter barfing mercilessly all over spectators and kids alike. One witness, Gapford's Da, was quoted as saying absolutely nothing except nodding his head in an extremely disappointed manner and heading home, another witness was heard to remark, "this is the lowest thing since bred bought that jar of actual piss".

Video courtesy of Bruiser.

Kid Bisto appeals for calm
    The newest BN Crew member, Kid Bisto, has spoken out after two days of silence.

    KB, who joined the BN at some point against his will, spoke candidly at a press conference of empty chairs in some hall in the RDS that nobody gives a fuck about.

    Although no human person was there to hear a single word, it is believed that Bisto talked at length about growing up in the shadow of BN legend Nervous Pervis as well as his confusing induction into the BNC.

    Kid Bisto's call for calm comes after two several days of calm, therefore making his call irrelevant at best and idiotic at worst.

Hamhead has described him as 'a chip off the old block' as well as 'a blockhead' and 'block spam email fast'.

    Gapford was available for comment but what's the point? One thing is for sure, this will either be a massive moment in the history of the BN Crew or absolutely nothing.

Kid Bisto to replace Hamhead
    Hamhead now wears tinted glasses to hide the tears.

    Hamhead was dealt another crippling blow today as it was announced Kid Bisto would be replacing him in every aspect of his life both real and imagined.

    The news came just days after BN Crew rival Stone Cold Francis Quinn revealed to the world that Hamhead was battling AIDS probably. Concerned fans have been posting messages of support for the embattled BN Crew pin up on message boards around the world since the revelation which Hamboner claims is merely a smear campaign by Francis after Hamsandwich declined his offer to join the "Desks in a straight line in the RDS Simmonscourt crew" which I just made up there a second ago.

    Kid Bisto who has been a background player in the Crew for a few minutes now is said to be delighted with his new position and has vowed to erase any record of Hamhead in the crew including the mad Hamhead trademark jacket (see pic).

    With tensions already high in the Crew for some reason this latest controversy is sure to continue for as long as we're mad into it.

Hamhead was available for comment but was overshadowed by the sound of falling exam desks thought to have been the work of Francis, when we asked Bruiser for his feelings on the subject he told us "Yesh".

A glimmer of hope for Bruiser?

    The recent upturn in fortunes for BN Crew gasbag Kev today took a turn for the worse.

    Very little is known about the current mental state of the former Mister Northside Beefcake but his friends have expressed concern after he sent a worrying video message to other members of the crew including his mentor Gapford.

    We reached out to Gapford for comment about the well-being of his protégé but he remained tight lipped only telling us "Kev thinks more than Kev knows".

    Fortunes have been mixed for the Bruiser lately, in April he was voted 'Man Of The Moment' at the Wincor Nixdorf awards however less than three minutes later he was voted 'Absolutely Nothing' by the same people at the same award ceremony.

    It is unlikely that we'll hear any more about this particular story as this was all just to fill the empty space beside the puzzling video.

Ceb & Lofty involved in ferry 'incident'
    The pair remained in suspended animation for the duration of the journey. Stena Line have today confirmed that the two passengers removed by armed police in Rosslare Harbour yesterday were famed Crew members Ceb & Lofty.

    The situation unfolded on the return leg of their book signing tour of Fishguard Harbour which reports say at least 2 people (including the hosts) attended. Staff on the ferry were made aware of a disturbance in the toilets on deck 6 when strange noises were reported by other travelers.

    On further investigation the crew were horrified to discover that Ceb had top decked several of the cubicles toilets and Lofty had defecated in several locations throughout the ship including a hand bag and a pram.
When confronted the pair became belligerent and staff were forced to immediately trap them in suspended animation in some kind of pods which were on board for some reason.

    We reached out to the pair for their take on the incident who were able to send us a statement they had prepared for such an eventuality.

[Hear the statement, click here fucko!]

Hamhead makes triumphant return
    Former BN all star supremo Hamhead has returned to the BN Crew.

    In an unexpected turn of events, Hamhead just appeared in a WhatsApp group, having finally bought a cheap smartphone.

    'It feels great to be embracing the digital revolution' Hamhead told the group, 'I'll miss the fake call function but I'll enjoy being able to shake my head at the nonsense people talk again. Hopefully this will distract me from my life for a fair while.'

Hamhead's return is being seen as a major boost to the fortunes of the always fractious BN, with some analysts (why would we even have analysts?) saying that the Crew wouldn't see out 2015 in it's current form. (What other form could there even be?)

The news has been welcomed by most members including BN leader Ceb who told that Brainhead lad down the Supener 'It's great to have Hamhead back in the fold, a real thrill. I was worried he might have headed off to the J Crew. It kept me up at nights, I don't mind telling you that.'

One time leader of BN apprentice group the All Stars, Hamhead graduated to full BN Crew membership at some point. It was as a full member that he really began to have a major influence in the direction of the group somehow and for some reason.

Never having actually left, his return has surprised some BN members including long time political sparring partner Lofty who told our sources 'Hamhead'.

With Hamhead's comeback breathing new life into the BN as well as several new tracks appearing, the future looks bright, at least until I decide to write about some kind of fictional disaster that will undoubtedly befall us.

Hamhead back in the fold
     One person is believed to have rejoiced today following the news that BN Crew roustabout Hamhead was back in the fold.

    Fans and Crew alike have had limited if any contact with Hambone in recent times following the failure of his BN Crew takeover bid. Many believed Hamhead went into a deep depression as a result of this however Hambone himself has claimed he had taken time off in order to reform popular 90s band 'Colour me Badd'. This has proved to be quite an unpopular move and as a result Hamhead has decided to return to the BN Crew.

    As with all things Hamhead none of us know how this will play out, he could be dead by the next article or even more alive somehow, Hamhead leads a mad turbulent life.

Strider was available for comment but thought it best not to.

The Life of Hambone - A retrospective look at a BN legend
    With the sad passing of Handmedown last month, is proud to present a look at the life of one of the most influential idiots in BN history.

The Early Years:
The Phantom first rose to prominence in 1994, a full three years before the BN Crew would even form. He was a pioneer in leading an idiotic lifestyle and invented many of the noises and catch phrases that today are so popular among the worldwide BN community.

   'I remember he had this mad bowl hairdo and kept talking about wanking' says The Bean, a man who once tried to kill Hammer, 'and as if the bowl wasn't enough, he was had this inane grin on his face, like some kind of clown in a coma'.

    Right from the beginning, Hansel would form an alliance of annoyance with future BN star Disco Lights. 'I didn't know what to make of Hanton at first so I figured I might as well make his life a misery for the next 30 years. Well, I guess that won't happen now but I still visit his grave every week and mad shake my fringe at him, the way I used to, just in case he's watching me from down there. It's nice to know I can still annoy him.'

It would be these three years before the birth of the BN Crew that Hamhead would meet, greet and, eventually, be beaten by Ceb 352. 'Yeah, I remember that dickbean, he was rapid. Mad perv head on the cunt. Think I'll dig him up after and give him a ghost attack. Ah Hamhead, where did it all go wrong?' These three years where Hamhead, Disco and Ceb ruled the piss stained halls of Mount Temple Comprehensive school would come to a head in 1997 on the now infamous 'Trip to Tipp'.

The Trip to Tipp:
'Hamhead believed. In the Western Sun. He believed that it was falling down. On everyone. That's why he is gone from us now. There'll be no shelter here.' The exact words that Disco Lights used at Hamhead's funeral last month, before the riot started. 1997's Trip to Tipp would see the birth of the BN Crew as we know it. Ceb, The Bean, Disco Lights, Doctor Edgewild and Hammer would all come out of that weekend on a path to nothing. 'The Trip to Tipp was solid.' remembers The Bean, 'Hamhead left early and didn't do the washing up. That was when we decided to completely ruin his life for the next 20 years. Who knew it would only take 14? RIP. Poor Hanton. Should have washed up.'

   'That weekend was great' remembers Disco 'I had these glasses. They were prescription. I needed them to see properly. But for some reason Hamhead got all worked up about them. He kept on about them not having two lenses and that I was only wearing them to annoy him. I mean, who would do that?' Doctor Edgewild seems to agree that this may have been an early warning sign 'Yeah, I remember those prescription glasses that Kenna had. Don't know why Hamhead got so worked up about them. Looking back now, I think we should have realized how badly his mind was starting to suffer.' BN leader Ceb seems to add further weight to the theory that this weekend was the beginning of the end for Hamner 'For some reason, Hamsistor radio insisted on lying across the back seat of a taxi. I don't know why. There was plenty of room, I don't understand why he remembers it differently.' It seems that Hamhead was starting to unravel like a red and white ski jacket.

    Local man Will Buttimer recalls ' This guy kept ringing me, like some kind of prank calls, you know? I could hear his friends in the background trying to stop him but he was obviously the one behind it. The other guys were just trying to have a fun time but this Hamhead guy was all about ruining it for everyone. That's exactly how it happened. No doubt'.

The years of wilderness:
After the Trip to Tipp and the emergence of the BN Crew as a global powerhouse, Hamhead found himself the leader of the BN All Stars. All Star Gaidan remembers what it was like to serve under Hamhead 'Yeah, he was really weird. Always calling for meetings and then demanding we tell him why McKenna had no lenses in his glasses. Eventually, the All Stars were absorbed into the main BN roster.

    Hamhead himself seemed to get more unstable as time went on. I'm kinda glad he's dead now.' BN well wisher The Mongrel worked with Hapton 'He was a really bizarre character. Seriously. By the time I worked with him, the bowl haircut was gone but he kept asking me if his bowl haircut looked OK. I eventually gave up and told him it looked great.' It was around this time that Hamhead began to experiment with drugs. BN drugorama Ceb recalls 'Hamhead did a bucketbomb, we tried to stop him, didn't pressure him into it at all, but he kept insisting. So we set one up for him, just to keep him happy and he did it but for some reason thought that Doctor Edgewild was Dennis Irwin.

    I think he was really struggling with life.' Around this time it is believed that Hamhead was living out of a brightly coloured Antler brand bag. Disco recalls an incident from their youth 'I was minding my own business, just sitting there when I heard a scream. I ran to help and saw Hamhead. He had a 2b pencil in one hand and there was a young lad crying. I can't really say anymore but anyone who bought Hamhead's solo album, Strider, will know what I'm talking about'.

    The failure of this album pushed Hamcrustin to further lows. Selling only a single copy, despite being free, the album was a disaster. Hansolo was forced to crawl back to the BN Crew, cap in hand, to beg for forgiveness. 'Yeah, we forgave him right away' says The Bean 'We're not the sort of people to be stuck in the past at all. We move on and forget what happened. Dig the Jimmy Ray, huh?' Even though the BN Crew fought hard to keep Hamhead on the straight and narrow, offering him support, money and even a bicycle with a lollipop stick in it, this tragic star would eventually fall from the sky in the most devastating of circumstances.

The death of a legend:
They lined the streets of the nation's capital for miles around. From every walk of life, from every area. Men, women and children solemnly waiting to pay their respects to a legend. Broadcast to every corner of the globe, the black Peugeot 306 began it's grim procession. It lasted for about a minute before everyone headed home and the coffin was left lying around somewhere.

    At a special funeral mass, the church was hijacked by BN Spiritual leader Lofty who started a riot which would eventually cause the deaths of over 6 billion people. Believable. The details of his death are now notorious, taught in schools and studied in colleges yet still, so many unanswered questions. Why did he have a pigeon under his arm? How could he fire those shots with a gun from Time Crisis?
Just what was Paul McGrath's involvement in those last hours? Why did he choose a bench on Grizzel Avenizzel to eat that last fateful meal? The 17th April, 2011 would forever be known as black Hanton day. Whoa, black Hanton Ham-a-lam.

    He left behind a legacy. A legacy of noises. Of smells. Of making faces. Of destroyed jacks. Of drunken nights. Of demanding satisfaction when none was available. Hamhead was a man for all seasons. He will be sadly missed. Until next week when he'll probably be back or some shit.

Article by Hoffman McQueen

Dr. Edgewild to build bed
    The foundations of BN Supergroup 'The Windjammers' were rocked today as news filtered in that Dr. Edgewild was planning to build a bed.

The news comes as a shock to Ceb who was the only witness to Edgewild's Spicerack project of 2010 which he described as 'a complete success' contrary to the opinion of literally everyone else who ever saw it before it was somehow engulfed in flames.

It is thought that the move is a direct threat to Gapford who owns a rival furniture manufacturing business in Dublin that last year alone produced 3 desks.

    This will be the second time in a month that Edgewild has ruffled Gapford's feathers. As we previously reported Edgewild has been in the process of undermining gaps authority and hurting his feelings for some time now and has support from the ever reliable Jackstack who we tracked down to a barbecue or some bullshit to hear his opinions on this latest declaration of war, he told us "Gapford, web of lies, blanket of misery, bowl of deceit, ladle full of justice", the interview was then cut short when I realized that Jackstack was going nowhere and taking me with him.

BN Crew to host country bear jamboree
    BN Crew members Jackstack, Quantum Steed Cube and Francis have today unveiled plans to host a country bear jamboree to mark the memory of BN Crew spokesperson Teddy Ruxpin who died there a few minutes ago after a severe horsing from Kev.

The Jamboree is set to feature numerous dancing bears to the music of Wagner among others, a date has not been set but it is believed Gapford has agreed to host the event on a pallet in his Inchicore based warehouse.

Teddy Ruxpin was a long term behind the scene collaborator with BN Crew having penned some of the BN Crew's most memorable hits including 'Country Bear Jamboree 1', 'Country Bear Jamboree 2' and 'Country Bear Jamboree (a slight return)'.

He rose to prominence during the Backlash era of 2011 where he was a central point in the brokering of peace between the various warring BN Crew factions. In late 2012 he assumed the role of BN Crew spokesperson and part time BN Crew lawyer. His tenure with the Crew was dogged by rumours that he was in fact a Teddy and over the years his fraught relationship with Gapford made headlines.

    In a statement released following the news of his death Gapford said "He was a fucking Teddy, fuck sake you people need to move on, most of you have actual families and houses and shit, I'm surrounded by half wits".

BN Crew release Big Beat Manifesto

Dr. Edgewild in hostile takeover bid
    Relations between warring BN Crew factions were dealt another crushing blow today when it emerged that Dr. Edgewild has been in secret talks in a bid to take over long time ally Gapford's business interests.

It has emerged that last weeks gesture of good will by Edgewild in which he sent a pallet of identical black jumpers to Gapford's place of work was simply a ploy to gain trust with Grindleson when in actuality Dr. Edgewild was in secret talks with the remaining members of Gristy's crew in a bid to overthrow their maniacal leader and seize his assets which include some black jumpers and a few Mercedes 190 diesels, that's literally everything.

    It is thought since making it big with an empire of warehouses that sell paint and glue to local vagrants Edgewild has developed a thirst for the prawn sandwich good life and wants to expand his business interests into Dublin and the rest of Ireland, he was quoted as saying "demand for paint and glue is Tom Hanks big in the emerald isle because lets face it, they're all junkies over there".

Following today's revelations sources close to Gaplication say he feels betrayed and hungry with this latest blow to his empire. It is believed that Dr. Edgewild has since taken back the pallet of black jumpers and sent them to some sort of militia group in the Soviet Union.

Sources tell us that Dr. Edgewild will be flying back to Ireland on Tuesday night for emergency talks with other BN Crew members about the fate of Gapford's business empire and future black jumper shipments. In an unusual move Gapford will also be collecting Edgewild from the airport with some kind of completely unnecessary entourage.

Dirty protest at the Griefhole
    Celebrations at Gapford's Griefhole were marred last night after an unknown guest at the soiree held a dirty protest in the main (only) bathroom.

    Within minutes the focus of blame was on long time Gapford rival and member of the prominent 'Doves of Peace' splinter group Jackstack.

    The claims were immediately denied by Jackstacks PR guru Teddy Ruxpin who was himself accused by Gapford of being an actual teddy and non existent.

It is believed that the protest was a response to Gapford's recent happiness although this has not been confirmed and Gapford maintains that he is still deeply unhappy in his life. He has vowed that the response will be swift and destructive and will probably involve retribution toward Kev and Francis for some reason.

We reached out to all of the involved parties but they were too busy listening to fucking XMas FM.

BN Crew Rewind: Ennis ruined the baths for everybody
The first in our series of yearly rewind specials, prominent BN Crew member The Ennistigator talks candidly to Rogan Josh. Below is a transcript of an interview held in Moscow in April of this year. (2014)

Rogan Josh: 1997 was the year the BN Crew formed and is generally regarded as a better time, a more believable time. But for you, it isn't such a happy memory is it?

The Ennistigator: No Rogan, for me it was the beginning of a very dark chapter in my life.

RJ: Tell us why.

TE: I was a normal guy, enjoying my teenage years. I wouldn't say I was an angel but I wasn't a demon either. I had met some of the BNC by this stage - Danz, Ceb, probably others - but they had yet to really make an impact in my life. I was hanging out with a different group of people. Good guys. I don't remember their names or anything about them but I'm sure they do. I was particularly into Fungi the dolphin. You remember that guy?

RJ: The tourist attraction?

TE: Yeah, maybe to you but to me he represented freedom. The freedom to be a dolphin, you know? All grey and shit. Just effortlessly classy and diving around eating plankton or something.

RJ: Isn't this the same Fungi that is generally regarded as a bit of a dickhead?

TE: Who isn't Rogan? He was my idol. I tried so hard to be like him. Painted myself, got flippers and a blowhole surgically added. It still wasn't enough. I just wasn't meant for the sea. My damn legs. They just weren't up to it.

RJ: That's what lead you to...

TE: ...the end? Yeah, that was why I ended up in the baths that day.

RJ: Tell me about that day.

TE: I was a regular at the Dun Laoghaire baths. Dolphin boy. That's what they called me. I'd strap my legs up and do lengths. If I wasn't in school, I was there. Sometimes from the minute they opened right up to closing. Anything to bring me closer to Fungi.

RJ: But Fungi is a dickhead..

TE: (voice raised) You don't know Fungi! Maybe he needed those fucking wallets! Maybe those fuckers provoked him!

RJ: I'm sorry. Please, tell us about the day your life changed.

TE: I had been swimming for about six hours. The baths were pretty busy. Kids, families, a few familiar faces from the swimming competitions. I was in my element. I was channelling my inner dolphin, like, really getting in touch with what it MEANS to be a sea faring mammal.

RJ: What went wrong?

TE: I was making a turn, it was a move I'd made a thousand times before, standard beak to fin twist with dorsal thrust. I was about half way through when I felt something was wrong (voice breaks), something was very wrong.

RJ: In your own time Ennistigator.

TE: I guess, well in hindsight, I got cocky. Usually a dolphin would blow air out just before a beak to fin twist. This lightens the ballast by expelling any water in his blow hole canal. I didn't. I don't know why. I just didn't think about what I was doing.

RJ: That mistake alone wasn't enough to tip the scale of fate though, was it Ennis?

TE: No, it was only half of the ingredients required for my Lemon drizzle cake of Hellish misfortune. A fat man dived in beside me. You know the type. Jovial. Fun. The life and soul of the party. If the party was coronary heart disease, high cholesterol and imminent death. He displaced enough water to push me off course. I lost my bearings. I tried to take in the extra air I should have had available but it wasn't there thanks to my earlier mistake. Instead I inhaled chlorinated water. Then it happened. Impact. Pain. Blackness.

RJ: A newspaper report said the following - If I may..?

TE: Please, go ahead.

RJ: 'Dun Laoghaire baths has announced it is to close after a patron hurt his tooth slightly in a minor accident.'

TE: Miner? He was a fucking miner? What the fuck was he swimming for?

RJ: No, minor. Not serious, unimportant.

TE: Oh. Right. Minor? They think slightly hurting your tooth is minor?

RJ: Well, I think most people would...

TE: Most people don't know shit RJ! How could I look in the mirror? Knowing I was deformed like that. Knowing that my own wife and children wouldn't recognize me.

RJ: You weren't married nor did you have children at that time.

TE: Oh yeah? And why do you think that was? Those fucking baths! I can't even TAKE a fucking bath now. Not after what those people did to me.

RJ: What about showers?

TE: I got nothing against showers.

RJ: How did this incident bring us to the point we're at now - an emotionally stunted man child, stealing flower bed boxes for kicks?

TE: I was a lost soul. I was the man who closed the baths. Swimming lessons? Gone. Water wings? Deflated. Lifeguards? Reduced to getting jobs as fucking accountants. All. My. Fault. I was a pariah. Shops would refuse to sell to me. 'Sorry Ennis, we're all out of milk, why don't you swim to fucking China and get some?' I mean, it didn't make any sense! Ireland is way more of a milk producer per capita than China. Why China? I started living on the streets, hoping the night would take me.

RJ: But the night didn't take you. It was the BN crew instead, who took you in.

TE: Where else could a man go? I'd been to the bottom of the barrel and crashed through. What's below the bottom of the barrel? The BN Crew.

RJ: ...and you haven't looked back since?

TE: Like every member of the BN Crew, I'll forever be looking back Rogan.

Gapford reacts, with defiance
    Troubled BN Crew hivemind Gapford has broken his silence after today's incident which Left Francis fighting for his life after suffering detached retinas and sphincter at the hands of a merciless beating from Grybyn.

Moments ago Hamhead appeared on local fictional news channel BNN reading a somewhat bizarre prepared statement on behalf of Gapford proclaiming his innocence, the statement read as follows:

"he'd had it coming a while to be fair, we're not in a good place, every second Francis is allowed to ride his carousel of lies more damage is done, I really need to buy up some land out in Wicklow and build a defensive structure out there".

    After reading this Hamhead was blinded with a hot spoon, the reason for this Gapford explained "his eyes didn't deserve my words".